Chennai Bank Claims Deceased Borrower Reborn as Goat; Repayment Schedule Recommences

A most unconventional scene unfolded in Small Claims Court in Chennai today. A local Chennai bank claimed that one Mr. D. K. Laliput, a recently deceased borrower of the bank, has been reborn as a roaming street goat and demanded that he recommence payment of the 20,000 rupee loan borrowed to start up a small Internet hub known as Mischief Café.

Chennai Citizens Bank, represented by famous local Anglo-Indian lawyer John Swift, testified first. Ms. Gopalakrishna, loan administrator, was adamant that the goat was indeed D.K. Laliput in reincarnated form. “I went to attend Mr. Laliput’s funeral,” she began, “To pay my respects and to also ensure that he was completely deceased. As I was watching the cremation, I looked over to where people had left their slippers and saw a goat with a remarkable resemblance to Mr. Laliput.”

Gopalakrishna went on to describe the likeness. “The goat had orange hair, Mr. Laliput was fond of henna. The goat had a large spot below its nose, just where Mr. Laliput had a large growth. The goat shat in pair of Reebok sneakers just like Mr. Laliput wore day in and day out, even when swimming. Finally, the goat was born with only one testicle as everyone knows Mr. Laliput was as well.”

The alleged Mr. D. K. Laliput then took the stand with the assistance of an animal handler from the local zoo.

Attorney John Swift began with an examination. “Mr. D.K. Laliput, is it true that you have failed to repay the loan Chennai Citizens Bank so generously gave you?”

Mr. D.K. Laliput stared intently at the microphone in front of him, snorted, and, in an act of supreme defiance, began to eat it. Judge Thackery, presiding over the case, cried out “ORDER IN THIS COURT!” and demanded that the belligerent D. K. Laliput answer all questions addressed to him or risk being thrown in jail.

“This is civilized court room, Mr. Laliput!” Honorable Thackery warned, “Show some respect!”

Attorney Swift went on to present evidence of fraud committed by Mr. D. K. Laliput, who allegedly used the loan money not to purchase new computers for his Mischief Café, but instead to start up a business constructing effigies of Indian cricket players out of spoiled meats (demand for effigies has soared due to recent losses to Nepal).

After only three minutes of deliberation, Judge Thackery reached a verdict.

“I have never witnessed such insolence in a court of law, Mr. Laliput!,” the Judge began, “Based on the evidence presented, I have no doubt that your smug grin is that of D.K. Laliput, reborn as a common goat. Clearly, you are being punished for your past transgressions and now, you are being given an opportunity to clear you conscience. I find for the plaintiff, Chennai Citizens Bank.”

Payment of the loan will recommence immediately. D.K. Laliput will be permitted to repay the loan in tin cans, pieces of used rubber, and old soda bottles.

Pharmaceutical Company to Copyright “Melancholy;” White Male Musicians in Uproar

Yesterday, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer announced its plan to copyright “the feeling of melancholy” which it argues is the particular feeling the company has discovered a cure for with Zoloft, their well known popular anti-depressant.

“You know that feeling of like, when you have a longing for something passed or you have this deep feeling that something is missing in your life and while it is generally painful and difficult to go through sometimes you like it because it can inspire you to create something beautiful?” asked John Britton, head of Pfizer public relations, “Yeah, well that’s call ‘melancholy’ and only FDA-approved Zoloft made by Pfizer can stop it.”

A company such as Pfizer, argued Britton, which has discovered the cause of this particular feeling has a right to copyright it. “Well, if companies can patent the genetic code of basmati rice or the proteins found in Aloe Vera- all things that exist in the natural world- then why can’t we copyright melancholy, a natural feeling that occurs in the world?,” asked Britton.

This announcement, though, has put tragic white male musicians in an uproar, from England to New York City to Austin, Texas. At a press conference in a small one bedroom apartment in downtown London with no food in its fridge, a number of musicians laid listlessly on a mattress staring at a slowly rotating fan while talking to the press.

“Bones, sinking like stones, all that we fought for,” wailed Chris Martin, lead singer of Coldplay, “Homes, places we've grown, all of us are done for.”

“Yeah, we’re done for,” agreed Thom York, frontman of Radiohead, “We all depend on melancholy to survive- how can I write my music if I don’t have the right to feel hopelessly sad?”

To this, Pfizer responded in a press release: Outside of “melancholy,” there are still plenty of other emotions available to musicians to inspire them to create. For example, “cheerlessness,” “annoyance,” and “loathing” are all great emotions to inspire music.

“But I don’t loath my ex-lover nor am I annoyed by her!,” cried out York, “I just long for a love that could never be. . .I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.”

Britton from Pfizer replied “Well, we have a medication for that too- it’s called Xanax and it helps with social anxiety.”

100 Things to Do Before the End of the World

As the world speeds towards its impending doom, resources such as water, air, food, joy, and whimsy will become increasingly scarce. Competition for the most basic of necessities will be fierce and potentially deadly.

So before the inevitable Apocalypse arrives (and the bloody chaos before it), the leftover has created a list of things you must do before the Planet Earth turns into a fiery ball. We will post 5 new must-do activities each week!

100. Swish water around in your mouth, just for the taste, and then spit it out

99. Toast an entire pack of Thomas' English Muffins and then mail them someone in England.

98. Fly to Mozambique, eat lunch at the airport Sbarro, and fly right back.

97. Invest heavily in space exploration.

96. Critique your mom/dad's parenting skills, emphasizing all the things they did to you that you will NEVER do to the child you will NEVER have since the Earth is going to end!

Undocumented Workers at Meatpacking Plant Thrown in Jail, Hot Dog Eating Contest Called Off

June 1st, 2008- Waterloo, Iowa: In temporary courtrooms at a fairground in Waterloo, 260 illegal immigrants were sentenced to five months in prison for working at a meatpacking plant with false documents. The convicted immigrants were among 389 workers detained in a raid that federal officials called the largest criminal enforcement operation ever carried out by immigration authorities at a workplace.

Some residents were pleased by the ruling. Dennis Harrison, President of the Waterloo Kiwanis Club, described his joyous reaction to the court ruling. “I am so tired of undocumented immigrants coming into this country and using our hospitals and schools and water parks without paying any taxes,” Harrison exclaimed, “Thank the Lord I voted for that $10 million bond last election to use public monies to build the Waterloo high security jail—so that these illegals can be taught a lesson about taking my hard earned money!”

But not everyone was happy with the ruling.

Annabelle Gleason, the Special Events Coordinator for the City of Waterloo, was visually shaken by the decision. “Where am I supposed to to get 2,000 pounds of ballpark franks for our annual hot dog eating contest this Saturday with the plant is closed?,” she cried out "Mr. Stein would always give us such a great deal!" Gleason was forced to cancel the event.

Later than evening, an emergency meeting of the Waterloo City Council was called and leading officials brainstormed possible alternative contests to entertain the residents.

Councilmember Stevenson suggesting an apple bobbing contest or an Iowa three bean chili making contest, but then it was pointed out that most agricultural workers are undocumented.

Councilmember Gerry at one point exclaimed, "How about a pinata breaking cont. . .crap. . .please erase that from the record."

After hours of deliberation, the City Council finally settled on the one contest they could think of that did not involve illegal immigrants: a xeroxing contest to be held in the copy room in the back of City Hall.

"The person who can make perfectly centered, enlarged at 175%, double sided copies of all the contents in my wallet in the least number of tries will win a $50 gift certificate to Cracker Barrel Restaurant," explained Mayor Andy Johnson at the end of the meeting.

The announcement was met with loud boisterous cheering from members of the Administrative Assistants Association.

The City now has two days to prepare for the contest that will probably draw somewhere between 50-75 participants. When asked if he thinks the copy machine will be able to withstand such rigorous use, the copy machine maintenance worker commented, "No se, la maquina es muy viejo y pienso que la oficina va a necesitar a comprar mas tinta."

the vacation is over. . .

hello friends!
alert your city council representative, change your google status message, shout it out over the walls of your sparsely decorated cubicle, "THE LEFTOVER IS BACK!"

after a three year hiatus, the leftover is up and running again at the current hot spot, blogspot.com.

we've realized that we just can't fight who we are- we tried to write policy, learn the law, lobby for change, organize coalitions for justice but at the end of the day, all we wanted to do was make fun of shit.

this is who we are.

so we are back.

CHECK OUT THE ARCHIVES
on the sidebar to the right under 2004 ------>>>

the site will be updated with new content every few days so keep coming back and checkin' and SPREAD THE WORD.

we've missed you.

sincerely,
your mom
editor-in-chief, the leftover.

Revolutionaries Hold City Council Lobby Day: Radical Lobbying Tactics Lead to Electeds’ Commitment to “Review the Materials” and “Schedule Call"

New York, NY: Yesterday, hundreds of leftist revolutionaries from across New York City gathered at City Hall to hold their first lobby day. Anarchists, Communists, Socialists, Guerilla insurgents and other revolutionaries split up into groups of ten and spent the day meeting with City Council members, using radical lobbying tactics to pressure elected officials to embrace political upheaval.

“We want to see an inversion of the power structure in this country,” said Penelope Stewart of the Citizens United for Radical Justice, the primary organizers of the event, “We think annual lobby days are a crucial piece of the strategy to put state power in the hands of working people.”

“Viva La Lobby Day!”, as it was called, began early at 9 am with a variety of donut holes from Dunkin Donuts for participants to choose from and hot coffee. Many lamented the lack of bagels and fruit. “Some of us are trying to cut out white sugar,” said Reggie McDonald of Colored People for a Colored Future.

Participants in “Viva La Lobby Day!” utilized various radical lobbying techniques aimed at demonstrating the power of the coalition and creating long lasting social change. Stewart explained some of the tactics used during meetings with elected officials.

“Well, one major thing we did was create what we called ‘informational packets’ for the city council members. In these ‘info packets’ we had a cover letter explaining our campaign demands, a list of our allies, and some newspaper clippings from the New York Times,” said Stewart, “We made sure to put these packets into colorful folders we bought from Staples so the Council members could carry them around easily. Maybe read them on the subway ride home or while they are working out at the gym.”

“Another tactic we employed during the lobby visits,” said John Kavitsky, Treasurer of People for The People, “is surround the elected officials in their office and firmly ask that they sign onto a support letter before the meeting ended.”

“Some responded to this pressure. Others said that we should follow up with them. And we let them know that we definitely plan on doing that,” said Kavitsky, eyes narrowing menacingly.

After some thought, Kavistky added, “But I think the informational packets were really key to fundamentally altering the power dynamic in the room.”

The Revolutionaries found the lobby day to be a success. “We met with over 20 City Councilmembers, most of who concretely committed to review the materials we presented and follow up with us in the next few weeks,” explained Stewart, “ Did you know that follow up calls can change the world?”

Other participants, though, were not so pleased by the event. Francis Kate, co-founder of Guerillas Against Sprawl, was enraged by the absence of talking points to help guide comments and keep everyone in the lobby visit on the same message.

“It was ridiculous,” exclaimed Kate, “One person in my lobby group demanded the abolishment of state and federal governments while another argued for a centrally controlled economy. I was livid! Talking points would have been a great way to prevent this sort of confusion.”

The Council members, though, had a generally positive view of “Viva La Lobby Day!”

Councilmember Gershwin Quinn commented, “Although it was a busy day since it was also Senior Citizens Lobby Day and Bring Your Daughter to Work Day at City Hall, I was glad to have the opportunity to meet with the revolutionary left in the city. And even though I did not sign onto the support letter when they surrounded me in my office, I did agree to a follow up conference call in March.”

El Salchicho, The Latin Sausage Lover