President Bush Accidentally Spends Political Capital Earned in 2004 Election

Washington D.C.; The day after winning re-election in the 2004 presidential election, president Bush held a press conference where he stated that he “earned capital in the campaign, political capital” and that now he “intends to use it.”

Many assumed that the president would spend this “political capital” on pushing through socially conservative legislation such as a possible anti-gay marriage amendment and anti-abortion legislation. And perhaps the president in fact intended to do so.

But in a press conference held Monday morning, a somewhat embarrassed vice president Dick Cheney announced that over the weekend, president Bush had accidentally used up all of the political capital he earned while “celebrating” his victory.

“Apparently president Bush, while celebrating his decisive victory over Senator Kerry, got a little excited and, well. . .there is no easy way to put this, ended up spending most of the political capital he earned in the 2004 election buying multiple rounds of shots for everyone in the bar that night,” said vice-president Cheney.

In addition, the president, after consuming a considerable amount of alcohol, apparently went on a drunken shopping spree at a local shopping mall where he purchased with his newly earned political capital, among other things, a bonsai tree, ten Wetzel pretzels, and five pairs of ladies’ silk panties.

“The president, as you know, has always had a bit of trouble keeping track of his capital,” joked vice president Cheney.

When asked about how much political capital is actually left in the president’s coffers, Cheney replied that there is about enough remaining to put “a couple of black and white flyers in the White House bathrooms encouraging our young staffers to save themselves for marriage.”

Prominent leaders of the conservative right were visibly upset by the news. “We were planning on saving up that political capital, putting it away in an account somewhere, so that one day we could use it to maybe get abortion banned or make gay-marriage unconstitutional,” said Pat Robertson, bursting into tears, “ How could he do that? How could he just throw our dreams away?”

In a statement released today, the president apologized for the “misuse” of his “public mandate”, saying that he really “could not remember what happened last night” but that his friends tell him he “definitely had a great time.”

The American Well-Wishing Society- JOIN NOW!

The American Well-Wishing Society
Join now and send your well-wishing through the mesosphere!

“We’re gonna give them so much well-wishing they won’t even know what to do with it.”
- Jay Stephens, founder of the American Well-Wishing Society

The Beginning

Founded in 1998, the American Well-Wishing Society, in conjunction with the US Department Foreign Affairs, is an organization that works hard to send well-wishing to places in need. Thet on most recent recipients of American well-wishing include victims of the Rwandan genocide, survivors of cyclones in Bangladesh, and a little boy who fell down a well last week in West Virginia.

Well-wishing was developed as an alternative to monetary foreign aid and US foreign policy during the Rwandan genocide of 1998. We were a small group at that time and while our well-wishing do not prevent 800,000 Rwandans from dying, we like to think that without our well-wishes perhaps a few 100,000 more Rwandans might have met their miserable end. Our current campaign is to send our well-wishes to people around the world, especially in Africa and Asia, who are infected with the AIDS virus.

For the Skeptics; Our Scientific Approach

“One should not underestimate the power of the well-wish,” cautions Mary Gretty, member of The American Well-Wishing Society, “ In fact, it was well-wishing alone that stopped the spread of communism in Eastern Europe! I remember vividly my parents and I kneeling in our nuclear bomb shelter in the 1950s, my hands clenched, eyes closed tightly, trying with all my heart to well-wish those communists to hell.”

Well-wishing has come a long way from the 1950s! While originally well-wishing required serious concentration and focus, we at the American Well-Wishing Society have worked hard to take the bor-ing out of well-wish-ing. The American Well-Wishing Society has developed a modern well-wishing technique, bringing together science and your good, hopeful thoughts to maximizing the potency of your very own well-wishes while minimizing the dreariness.

How does it work?

Members of the American Well-Wishing Society will be able to maximize the impact of their well-wishes without even taking your eyes off of your favorite television program with our new Well-Wishing Enhancer. Just put on your eco-friendly indigenously made Well-Wishing Enhancer and well-wish poverty, suffering, disease, and misfortune away!

How does the Well-Wishing Enhancer Work?

When used properly, the Well-Wishing Enhancer shoots your well-wishes on a parabolic trajectory. Your well wish reaches its apex a few miles above the mesosphere (approximately 100 km above the Earth’s surface). Any higher and your well-wish would float off into space! Your well-wish will then begin its speedy descent, allowing for maximum impact in the location of your choice.


What will my well-wishes look like?

Well-wishing often takes form as a brilliant ray of sunlight, a perfect rainbow, or sometimes as an Atomic bomb.

How do I join?

Just send a check for $250 made out to The American Well-Wishing Society.

Hindu Politicians Embrace TiVo Recording Technology, Frees Them from Confines of Linear Notion of Time

New Delhi, India: At the “Practical Solutions to Everyday Hindu Problems” conference held yesterday at the Taj Hotel in India‘s capital, leaders in the Hindu ruling party, the Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP), met to discuss how TiVo, a revolutionary television recording technology, has impacted their religion.

Introduced early last year, TiVo is a service that operates a digital video recorder. For a small monthly service charge, TiVo will automatically find and record all of your favorite television shows. Also, TiVo does not require additional tapes to record programming but rather the shows are digitally saved right in the memory of the device, providing a more accommodating and less cumbersome alternative to the VCR.

Jai Jay, founder of Hindus for Integration, a group which encourages Hindus to find creative ways to co-exist in an increasingly non-Hindu world, spoke about how TiVo has transformed the lives of Hindus worldwide. “You see, in the Hindu philosophy,” explained Jay, “time is not seen as being linear, as in the traditional Western sense, but as cyclic. In every moment, one is experiencing the past, present, and future- every second contains an infinity.”

While refreshing, this cyclic notion of time also seems cause problems for its followers, especially when it comes to entertainment. “Of course, my biggest conflict with this non-linear concept of time, as shared by many of my fellow Hindus,” claims Jay, “is that we consistently miss our favorite television shows, which are scheduled in a linear fashion throughout the day.”

Jay experimented with many different techniques to try and catch his linear television shows within his cyclic lifestyle. “Often times I would try and look for divine signs that would indicate when my favorite television programs would be on. One time I witnessed a cow giving birth to a baby elephant and I thought surely Lord Ganesh was giving me a signal. And so I ran to the television and turned it on, hoping to find Clarissa Explains it All reruns but alas, that quirky clever young girl was nowhere in sight, and I was forced to watch old cricket matches.”

After struggling with this problem for years, Jay soon discovered new TiVo technology and was immediately liberated. “Now harmony has once again been restored to my existence. I can record my favorite TV shows and watch them whenever I please for as many times in a row as I desire. Just yesterday I watched the evening news before I watched the morning news! Incredible! I am no longer handicapped by my challenging concept of time.”

The subcontinent’s positive response to the product has more than delighted its creators. “I mean, we honestly did not anticipate Hindus being one of our biggest buyers,” laughs TiVo co-creator Scott Peter, “Frankly, we had the impression that Hindus wouldn’t buy it because, well, we thought Hindus were pretty stingy.”

Jai Jay was not at all too stingy to purchase the $150 TiVo. In fact, he bought three, one for each TV in his home. “One can never be too non-linear,” joked Jay, “Especially when one has satellite TV with 450 channels!”

Landless Peasants Squat Super Wal-Mart Parking Lot

Little Rock, AR: Last week, in the far northeastern corner of a Little Rock, Arkansas Super Wal-Mart parking lot, a group of thirty Brazilian landless peasants were discovered by Girl Scouts Troupe 475 squatting the land. The peasants had already built a small town made of cardboard boxes and had dug up the parking lot asphalt, planting potatoes, tomatoes, avocado trees, and herba mate in the rich fertile soil beneath.

Jennifer Sully, leader of troupe 475, spotted the shanytown through her binoculars as she was searching the vast lot for the elusive red-tailed hawk. "Well," explained Sully, "I was looking for a darned red hawk, you know, so I could get my bird watchin' patch when all of a sudden, in the corner of my binoculars, I spotted an old brown man watering the parking lot."
The brown man Jennifer Sully saw through her binoculars was Paulo Borges, the elected representative of the small squatter community. Borges believes that his peoples’ claim to the land is justified. “We are poor peasants who have had our lands taken away from us by the wealthy. Often times, the land goes to waste, just sitting there, not being used while we starve,“ claimed Fernandez.

Refusing to live in forced poverty, the Brazilian landless peasants began organizing themselves, building one of the largest and most powerful landless peasant movements in the world. “After many years,” explained Borges, “we won an agreement with the government allowing us to live and grow food on any unproductive land.” This is why, Borges argues, his people are justified in their occupation of the "immense barren land" that is the northeast corner of the Super Wal-Mart parking lot.

“The rich cannot deny us our basic rights to land and life,” stated Borges, surrounded by members of the Brazilian squatter community.

Wal-Mart officials, though, seemed somewhat confused by the claims of the landless peasants. “Well,” began David Stevenmeyer, weekend manager of the Little Rock Super Wal-Mart, “I don’t even know where to begin. I mean, first, this isn’t even Brazil, and second, this land is being used, to park the cars of Super Wal-Mart customers.”

Reggie Patterson, regional director of Wal-Mart, was also quite dumbfounded by the discovery. “How the hell did they even get here? Did they walk? Can you even walk from Brazil to Little Rock? Where the hell is Brazil? Someone get me a map.”

Jim Daily, mayor of Little Rock, argued against the legitimacy of such an agreement if it were to exist in America. “If we let people just take over unused land, the homeless would be settin’ up shop in the aisles of CostCo, poor farmers would grow crops on high school running tracks, and immigrants would sell various fried foods on church lawns. It would really challenge everything we stand for in America.”

The landless peasants claim that their corner of the parking lot, only 1/2 square mile out of the 10 square mile Super Wal-Mart parking lot, was not being used by Super Wal-Mart customers because most tried to park closer to the mega-store so as to avoid the 3 mile trek from the northeast parking lot corner to the front entrance. “People are always asking us for directions to the Super Wal-Mart and when we point to the surrounding miles of asphalt and say, this is Super Wal-Mart, they just snicker to themselves and mutter ‘those crazy immigrants’,” explained Cristina Silva, resident of the squatter community.

Residents of the Mountain View condo community across the street from the northeast corner of the Super Wal-Mart parking lot support the claims of the landless peasants. Toby Diezer said, “To this day, I have not even seen one car parked out here. Every once and awhile we might see an RV with some campers or a couple of high school kids makin out, but otherwise, there is nothing going on out there.”

Despite the claims of the lack of usefulness of the northeast corner of the Super Wal-Mart parking lot, Wal-Mart will not allow the Brazilian landless peasant community to stay unless are they are “buying something at the store”. As a result, for the past week the landless peasants have created a 24 hour Shopping Team. Each member of the community signs up for a one hour shopping shift, leaving the store after purchasing a Miniature Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup for 10 cents. Thus far, this tactic has prevented their removal from Super Wal-Mart property.

“We hope that this unspoken agreement between our community and Super Wal-Mart will last,” said Borges, “it is really a win-win situation, Super Wal-Mart receives our business and we get to eat those delicious mouth-watering peanut butter and chocolate candies.”

Lady No Luck's Word on Dating: Lazy Does Not Mean Leftist

By Lady No Luck

I know what you're all thinking, what does a wizened no-luck hag know about dating anyway?

But you would be wrong to assume anything about me based only on my appearance. Like when I was watching my bald, 60-year-old father peruse dishwashers at Home Depot, the sales clerk came up to me and said, "You should pick out the dishwasher. After all, you're the lady of the house." To which I replied, "Oh excuse me, I think you have made an incorrect assumption based on my appearance. I am not the wife of this bald, 60-year-old man. I am just his prematurely aged 24-year-old daughter."

But although I do not pick out dishwashers, I do know a good deal about dating. And I am here to spread my wisdom, as it is only wasted residing inside the brain of an old hag like me.

As any leftist lady alone in a non-leftist world knows, our choices are sadly few and far between when it comes to finding that special leftist somebody. Take me, for example. I grew up in a suburb famous for bringing the world Enron executives and Senate Majority Leader Tom Delay. To say that my hometown is conservative is to say that I look a little old for my age. Call a peach, a peach, wizened old hag always says!

During sophomore year of high school, as my hormones raged, I looked around my Honors World Geography class in dismay. All I saw were self-important, overly ambitious brats busy drawing their painstakingly accurate maps of Indonesia, hoping that Harvard would hear of their map-making genius, that Halliburton would hire the person with the most precise replication of the country's jutting, irregular borders! What was a lonely leftist lady to do?

And then my eye happened upon the boy in the corner. This boy was not drawing a map. He didn't even have map pencils on his desk. In fact, he was fast asleep, drool seeping from his surprisingly sensuous mouth onto a geography book, opened to the wrong chapter. Why hadn't I noticed this man before? He was no corporate monkey. He would not jump through the hoops of capitalistic society. He would not fight his fellow man for pits and seeds while the bloated bourgeoisie gorged on the succulent fruits of his labor! We went on our first date that afternoon.

At first, we were deliriously happy together. As a couple, he and I were more than just two progressive individuals of color, we were a mighty force for social justice. With my disdain for corporate media and his aversion to reading, with my opposition to the local Hooters and his preference for a place that would deliver, with my refusal to attend an elitist university and his inability to be accepted into any college whatsoever, we were the change that we wanted to see in the world.

Slowly, however, I began to realize that we did not see eye to eye on all the issues. I believed that people shouldn't be so alienated from their labor. He thought it would be cool if someone could invent a robot to do all the labor. When I mentioned that our government should do more to encourage citizen participation, he replied, "Why not ballots in bed? As long as they came by after 11, I'd like to vote in bed." Then came the morning of the anti-war rally-he insisted that we should just sleep in, because sleeping was "the ultimate act of civil disobedience." "There's nothing those capitalist pigs hate more than sleep," he said, curling into a ball under the covers. But I knew the thing the capitalist pigs hated most was the unity of the working classes. And that was when I realized my fateful mistake . . . I had thought he was leftist, but he was really just lazy.

And so I urge you--do not make the same mistakes as this decrepit wrinkled mess you see before you. When you meet your next potential leftist lover, perhaps someone with greasy hair and putrid underarms, ask him or her, "Are you opposed to capitalism's commodification of the body, or is a shower just too time and labor intensive, you lazy, disgusting shit?" Once burned, twice shy, wizened old hag always says!

Sweatshop Workers in Bangladesh on Strike, Tired of Making Unfashionable Clothes

Dhaka, Bangladesh; Chanting the slogan “Hey, Hey, Ho, Ho! Ugly Clothes Have Got to Go!” into the hot humid air, sweatshop workers at factories outsourced by Lane Bryant, Eddie Bauer, and Wal Mart went on strike today after declaring that they are tired of making “frumpy, ill-fitting, pastel colored, unfashionable clothes.” Over 2,000 workers from four different textile factories located in downtown Dhaka are participating in the indefinite strike, which began early this morning.

“If we are going to be paid $1 a day by these factories and work in subhuman conditions, the least they can do is give us attractive, modern, fashionable clothes to manufacture,” argued Manesh Bhattacharya, leader of the newly formed Ugly Textile Workers Union of Bangladesh (UTWUB), “Is a vintage-styled red and white Adidas track suit with matching visor too much to ask for?”

Another female worker spoke of the shame associated with producing such undesirable clothes. “All of my friends, they work for high fashion companies like Bebe, Banana Republic, and Abercrombie and Fitch. They always make fun of me, asking why I sew such big big underwear for WalMart, as if I designed them myself!”

The strike comes at the end of an ongoing two year worker driven campaign. In the past years, the UTWUB has tried various tactics to try change the ugly clothes policy, including non-violent sit-ins, large scale rallies, and transnational consumer boycotts. None of the actions seemed to work, leaving the workers no other option, in their opinion, but to go on strike. “We have tried everything, from petitions, to town meetings, to protests,” cried Bhattacharya, “We are poor people but we must work with dignity. Even we would not wear a purple fleece vest with pleated tapered khakis and Velcro sandals.”

In response to the announcement of the strike, the three companies issued a joint statement in which they appeared unwilling to budge on this issue. The companies said that while they “are hurt that workers find their clothes unappealing” they will do nothing to change the policy because “there appears to be a large market for so-called ‘ugly’ clothes.”

Nellie McRoy, vice-president of Lane Byrant, a plus size women’s clothing store, seemed somewhat irritated by the news of strike. In a phone interview, she angrily stated that “it is not up to the workers to decide what fashion is, that’s not how capitalism and free markets work. We leave it up to our hundreds of thousands of, in my opinion, well-dressed consumers to decide what is and is not ugly.”

Labor studies have shown that while workers who make ugly clothes earn wages and work in conditions that are equal to those worker who make fashionable clothes, ugly clothes workers are ten times more likely to quit their job or engage in social protest. Labor analysts attribute this trend to the “Guilty By Association” factor. Keith Johnson, a professor of labor psychology at San Francisco State, argues that the anger these workers feel has little to do with the aesthetics of the clothes they produce but rather, has everything to do with the types of people who wear the clothes they work so hard to make. “Psychologically, workers tend to associate themselves with the people who purchase the clothes they produce,” explained Professor Johnson, “Workers who make fashionable clothes generally enjoy being associated with the rich, famous, and good looking whereas most ugly clothes workers are discontent being associated with chubby citizens of the first world who have bad taste. One could argue that if George Clooney regularly wore lemon-yellow turtlenecks from Eddie Bauer, these striking workers would be ecstatic about their jobs.”

Consumer opinion seemed somewhat divided on this issue, with some consumers supporting the right of workers to make clothes they are proud of and others arguing that workers should just work, and leave the fashion divining up to the first world. “What the heck do those people know about fashion?,” cried out Steven Laterby, a middle-aged tire salesman, “They’d wear a potato sack to Thanksgiving dinner if they could!”

Others showed more sympathy for the workers. Tiffany Smith, a high school cheerleader, sneered at the thought of making clothes for Eddie Bauer, Lane Bryant, and Wal-Mart. “Oh my gosh, eeeeeewwwwww! I would rather die than make those UG clothes! Yeah, I would totally rather die.”

Student at University of Wisconsin, Madison held a solidarity rally for the striking workers on their campus. Jennie Mayer, co-coordinator of Students for Dignity at Work, said that they organized this rally to pressure the UW administration to divest from Eddie Bauer and to educate the campus on the needs of sweatshop workers. “I hear so many economists say ‘people in third world countries are just so happy to have a job that they don’t care WHAT they are doing’ but this UTWUB strike really challenges that reasoning,” argued Mayer, “This strike says that sweatshop workers want to be proud of their work and that they want to express themselves. Just like an impressionist painter, these workers would rather starve than be forced to work against their artistic impulses.” She then added, “The only impulse I have when I see black stirrup leggings at Lane Byrant is to vomit.”

Other workers’ unions have announced their support of the UTWUB, including the Singing Plastic Fish Workers of South Asia and the Bangladeshi Garden Gnome Association.

Couple Remodels Home, Feel Pain of Palestinians

Los Angeles, CA: John and Mary Stevenson never thought they could fully understand the plight of the Palestinians. They both earned bachelor degrees in the social sciences from prestigious universities, have read avidly about the post-colonial Middle East, and both strongly support the creation of a Palestinian state. But after dealing with one of the most harrowing experiences of their lives, they have a new born sympathy for the displaced Middle Easterners.

It all began with a simple decision to remodel their home.

When the Stevensons began their remodeling project a few months back, they thought it would be a relatively simple process with few hassles.

“We wanted to remodel the home for our new baby girl,” said Mrs. Mary Stevenson, “She always laughs with delight when she sees the new stainless steel GE double oven with matching refrigerator.”

“We thought this would be an easy project,” explained John Stevenson, “Just a minor inconvenience in our daily lives. All we were doing was some basic tile work in the kitchen and bathrooms, replacing appliances, some toilets, and replacing the counter tops.”

But the Stevensons were unaware of just what had to be done to complete their modest construction project. What they thought would be an easy process turned into a powerful imposition on their daily lives.

“Nobody told me that they would have to unplug the refrigerator to place new tile,” exclaimed Mary Stevenson,”All of my homemade yogurt went bad! And who knew it took two days to install new toilets? Can you imagine my embarrassment when I had to go over to the neighbor’s house to ‘take care of business’?”

Indeed, the Stevensons will endure a difficult life for the next few weeks until the construction in their home is completed. At times, they will live without hot water or functioning toilets, without access to a stove or oven and with no refrigerator. The air in their home will be filled with the dust of destruction. Construction workers occupy their track home day and night, telling them when to go to sleep and when to wake up.

“Now we understand how the Palestinians feel,” lamented Mary Stevenson,” We are refugees in our own home. We are living in rubble, our lives run by the construction workers. Our home is not our own. Our lives are not our own.”

John Stevenson, longingly looking out of a shattered window (a loose bit from a power drill had shot through it the day before), provided an eerie depiction of life in the remains of his home. “Sometimes,” he began,” The mixed cries of mothers and their hungry babies fill the air. . . namely because my wife will step on a stray nail on her way to breast-feed the baby.”

The owner of the construction company had little to say about the Stevenson affair.” I don’t understand what their problem is,” said Lance Kittle, owner of Kittle & Fits Construction, “They should be happy they even have a home. Do they know what those poor Palestinian people are going through right now?”