Washington D.C.; The day after winning re-election in the 2004 presidential election, president Bush held a press conference where he stated that he “earned capital in the campaign, political capital” and that now he “intends to use it.”
Many assumed that the president would spend this “political capital” on pushing through socially conservative legislation such as a possible anti-gay marriage amendment and anti-abortion legislation. And perhaps the president in fact intended to do so.
But in a press conference held Monday morning, a somewhat embarrassed vice president Dick Cheney announced that over the weekend, president Bush had accidentally used up all of the political capital he earned while “celebrating” his victory.
“Apparently president Bush, while celebrating his decisive victory over Senator Kerry, got a little excited and, well. . .there is no easy way to put this, ended up spending most of the political capital he earned in the 2004 election buying multiple rounds of shots for everyone in the bar that night,” said vice-president Cheney.
In addition, the president, after consuming a considerable amount of alcohol, apparently went on a drunken shopping spree at a local shopping mall where he purchased with his newly earned political capital, among other things, a bonsai tree, ten Wetzel pretzels, and five pairs of ladies’ silk panties.
“The president, as you know, has always had a bit of trouble keeping track of his capital,” joked vice president Cheney.
When asked about how much political capital is actually left in the president’s coffers, Cheney replied that there is about enough remaining to put “a couple of black and white flyers in the White House bathrooms encouraging our young staffers to save themselves for marriage.”
Prominent leaders of the conservative right were visibly upset by the news. “We were planning on saving up that political capital, putting it away in an account somewhere, so that one day we could use it to maybe get abortion banned or make gay-marriage unconstitutional,” said Pat Robertson, bursting into tears, “ How could he do that? How could he just throw our dreams away?”
In a statement released today, the president apologized for the “misuse” of his “public mandate”, saying that he really “could not remember what happened last night” but that his friends tell him he “definitely had a great time.”