Pharmaceutical Company to Copyright “Melancholy;” White Male Musicians in Uproar

Yesterday, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer announced its plan to copyright “the feeling of melancholy” which it argues is the particular feeling the company has discovered a cure for with Zoloft, their well known popular anti-depressant.

“You know that feeling of like, when you have a longing for something passed or you have this deep feeling that something is missing in your life and while it is generally painful and difficult to go through sometimes you like it because it can inspire you to create something beautiful?” asked John Britton, head of Pfizer public relations, “Yeah, well that’s call ‘melancholy’ and only FDA-approved Zoloft made by Pfizer can stop it.”

A company such as Pfizer, argued Britton, which has discovered the cause of this particular feeling has a right to copyright it. “Well, if companies can patent the genetic code of basmati rice or the proteins found in Aloe Vera- all things that exist in the natural world- then why can’t we copyright melancholy, a natural feeling that occurs in the world?,” asked Britton.

This announcement, though, has put tragic white male musicians in an uproar, from England to New York City to Austin, Texas. At a press conference in a small one bedroom apartment in downtown London with no food in its fridge, a number of musicians laid listlessly on a mattress staring at a slowly rotating fan while talking to the press.

“Bones, sinking like stones, all that we fought for,” wailed Chris Martin, lead singer of Coldplay, “Homes, places we've grown, all of us are done for.”

“Yeah, we’re done for,” agreed Thom York, frontman of Radiohead, “We all depend on melancholy to survive- how can I write my music if I don’t have the right to feel hopelessly sad?”

To this, Pfizer responded in a press release: Outside of “melancholy,” there are still plenty of other emotions available to musicians to inspire them to create. For example, “cheerlessness,” “annoyance,” and “loathing” are all great emotions to inspire music.

“But I don’t loath my ex-lover nor am I annoyed by her!,” cried out York, “I just long for a love that could never be. . .I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.”

Britton from Pfizer replied “Well, we have a medication for that too- it’s called Xanax and it helps with social anxiety.”

100 Things to Do Before the End of the World

As the world speeds towards its impending doom, resources such as water, air, food, joy, and whimsy will become increasingly scarce. Competition for the most basic of necessities will be fierce and potentially deadly.

So before the inevitable Apocalypse arrives (and the bloody chaos before it), the leftover has created a list of things you must do before the Planet Earth turns into a fiery ball. We will post 5 new must-do activities each week!

100. Swish water around in your mouth, just for the taste, and then spit it out

99. Toast an entire pack of Thomas' English Muffins and then mail them someone in England.

98. Fly to Mozambique, eat lunch at the airport Sbarro, and fly right back.

97. Invest heavily in space exploration.

96. Critique your mom/dad's parenting skills, emphasizing all the things they did to you that you will NEVER do to the child you will NEVER have since the Earth is going to end!

Undocumented Workers at Meatpacking Plant Thrown in Jail, Hot Dog Eating Contest Called Off

June 1st, 2008- Waterloo, Iowa: In temporary courtrooms at a fairground in Waterloo, 260 illegal immigrants were sentenced to five months in prison for working at a meatpacking plant with false documents. The convicted immigrants were among 389 workers detained in a raid that federal officials called the largest criminal enforcement operation ever carried out by immigration authorities at a workplace.

Some residents were pleased by the ruling. Dennis Harrison, President of the Waterloo Kiwanis Club, described his joyous reaction to the court ruling. “I am so tired of undocumented immigrants coming into this country and using our hospitals and schools and water parks without paying any taxes,” Harrison exclaimed, “Thank the Lord I voted for that $10 million bond last election to use public monies to build the Waterloo high security jail—so that these illegals can be taught a lesson about taking my hard earned money!”

But not everyone was happy with the ruling.

Annabelle Gleason, the Special Events Coordinator for the City of Waterloo, was visually shaken by the decision. “Where am I supposed to to get 2,000 pounds of ballpark franks for our annual hot dog eating contest this Saturday with the plant is closed?,” she cried out "Mr. Stein would always give us such a great deal!" Gleason was forced to cancel the event.

Later than evening, an emergency meeting of the Waterloo City Council was called and leading officials brainstormed possible alternative contests to entertain the residents.

Councilmember Stevenson suggesting an apple bobbing contest or an Iowa three bean chili making contest, but then it was pointed out that most agricultural workers are undocumented.

Councilmember Gerry at one point exclaimed, "How about a pinata breaking cont. . .crap. . .please erase that from the record."

After hours of deliberation, the City Council finally settled on the one contest they could think of that did not involve illegal immigrants: a xeroxing contest to be held in the copy room in the back of City Hall.

"The person who can make perfectly centered, enlarged at 175%, double sided copies of all the contents in my wallet in the least number of tries will win a $50 gift certificate to Cracker Barrel Restaurant," explained Mayor Andy Johnson at the end of the meeting.

The announcement was met with loud boisterous cheering from members of the Administrative Assistants Association.

The City now has two days to prepare for the contest that will probably draw somewhere between 50-75 participants. When asked if he thinks the copy machine will be able to withstand such rigorous use, the copy machine maintenance worker commented, "No se, la maquina es muy viejo y pienso que la oficina va a necesitar a comprar mas tinta."

the vacation is over. . .

hello friends!
alert your city council representative, change your google status message, shout it out over the walls of your sparsely decorated cubicle, "THE LEFTOVER IS BACK!"

after a three year hiatus, the leftover is up and running again at the current hot spot, blogspot.com.

we've realized that we just can't fight who we are- we tried to write policy, learn the law, lobby for change, organize coalitions for justice but at the end of the day, all we wanted to do was make fun of shit.

this is who we are.

so we are back.

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the site will be updated with new content every few days so keep coming back and checkin' and SPREAD THE WORD.

we've missed you.

sincerely,
your mom
editor-in-chief, the leftover.