Yesterday, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer announced its plan to copyright “the feeling of melancholy” which it argues is the particular feeling the company has discovered a cure for with Zoloft, their well known popular anti-depressant.
“You know that feeling of like, when you have a longing for something passed or you have this deep feeling that something is missing in your life and while it is generally painful and difficult to go through sometimes you like it because it can inspire you to create something beautiful?” asked John Britton, head of Pfizer public relations, “Yeah, well that’s call ‘melancholy’ and only FDA-approved Zoloft made by Pfizer can stop it.”
A company such as Pfizer, argued Britton, which has discovered the cause of this particular feeling has a right to copyright it. “Well, if companies can patent the genetic code of basmati rice or the proteins found in Aloe Vera- all things that exist in the natural world- then why can’t we copyright melancholy, a natural feeling that occurs in the world?,” asked Britton.
This announcement, though, has put tragic white male musicians in an uproar, from
“Bones, sinking like stones, all that we fought for,” wailed Chris Martin, lead singer of Coldplay, “Homes, places we've grown, all of us are done for.”
“Yeah, we’re done for,” agreed Thom York, frontman of Radiohead, “We all depend on melancholy to survive- how can I write my music if I don’t have the right to feel hopelessly sad?”
To this, Pfizer responded in a press release: Outside of “melancholy,” there are still plenty of other emotions available to musicians to inspire them to create. For example, “cheerlessness,” “annoyance,” and “loathing” are all great emotions to inspire music.
“But I don’t loath my ex-lover nor am I annoyed by her!,” cried out York, “I just long for a love that could never be. . .I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.”
Britton from Pfizer replied “Well, we have a medication for that too- it’s called Xanax and it helps with social anxiety.”