Revolutionaries Hold City Council Lobby Day: Radical Lobbying Tactics Lead to Electeds’ Commitment to “Review the Materials” and “Schedule Call"

New York, NY: Yesterday, hundreds of leftist revolutionaries from across New York City gathered at City Hall to hold their first lobby day. Anarchists, Communists, Socialists, Guerilla insurgents and other revolutionaries split up into groups of ten and spent the day meeting with City Council members, using radical lobbying tactics to pressure elected officials to embrace political upheaval.

“We want to see an inversion of the power structure in this country,” said Penelope Stewart of the Citizens United for Radical Justice, the primary organizers of the event, “We think annual lobby days are a crucial piece of the strategy to put state power in the hands of working people.”

“Viva La Lobby Day!”, as it was called, began early at 9 am with a variety of donut holes from Dunkin Donuts for participants to choose from and hot coffee. Many lamented the lack of bagels and fruit. “Some of us are trying to cut out white sugar,” said Reggie McDonald of Colored People for a Colored Future.

Participants in “Viva La Lobby Day!” utilized various radical lobbying techniques aimed at demonstrating the power of the coalition and creating long lasting social change. Stewart explained some of the tactics used during meetings with elected officials.

“Well, one major thing we did was create what we called ‘informational packets’ for the city council members. In these ‘info packets’ we had a cover letter explaining our campaign demands, a list of our allies, and some newspaper clippings from the New York Times,” said Stewart, “We made sure to put these packets into colorful folders we bought from Staples so the Council members could carry them around easily. Maybe read them on the subway ride home or while they are working out at the gym.”

“Another tactic we employed during the lobby visits,” said John Kavitsky, Treasurer of People for The People, “is surround the elected officials in their office and firmly ask that they sign onto a support letter before the meeting ended.”

“Some responded to this pressure. Others said that we should follow up with them. And we let them know that we definitely plan on doing that,” said Kavitsky, eyes narrowing menacingly.

After some thought, Kavistky added, “But I think the informational packets were really key to fundamentally altering the power dynamic in the room.”

The Revolutionaries found the lobby day to be a success. “We met with over 20 City Councilmembers, most of who concretely committed to review the materials we presented and follow up with us in the next few weeks,” explained Stewart, “ Did you know that follow up calls can change the world?”

Other participants, though, were not so pleased by the event. Francis Kate, co-founder of Guerillas Against Sprawl, was enraged by the absence of talking points to help guide comments and keep everyone in the lobby visit on the same message.

“It was ridiculous,” exclaimed Kate, “One person in my lobby group demanded the abolishment of state and federal governments while another argued for a centrally controlled economy. I was livid! Talking points would have been a great way to prevent this sort of confusion.”

The Council members, though, had a generally positive view of “Viva La Lobby Day!”

Councilmember Gershwin Quinn commented, “Although it was a busy day since it was also Senior Citizens Lobby Day and Bring Your Daughter to Work Day at City Hall, I was glad to have the opportunity to meet with the revolutionary left in the city. And even though I did not sign onto the support letter when they surrounded me in my office, I did agree to a follow up conference call in March.”

El Salchicho, The Latin Sausage Lover

President Bush Accidentally Spends Political Capital Earned in 2004 Election

Washington D.C.; The day after winning re-election in the 2004 presidential election, president Bush held a press conference where he stated that he “earned capital in the campaign, political capital” and that now he “intends to use it.”

Many assumed that the president would spend this “political capital” on pushing through socially conservative legislation such as a possible anti-gay marriage amendment and anti-abortion legislation. And perhaps the president in fact intended to do so.

But in a press conference held Monday morning, a somewhat embarrassed vice president Dick Cheney announced that over the weekend, president Bush had accidentally used up all of the political capital he earned while “celebrating” his victory.

“Apparently president Bush, while celebrating his decisive victory over Senator Kerry, got a little excited and, well. . .there is no easy way to put this, ended up spending most of the political capital he earned in the 2004 election buying multiple rounds of shots for everyone in the bar that night,” said vice-president Cheney.

In addition, the president, after consuming a considerable amount of alcohol, apparently went on a drunken shopping spree at a local shopping mall where he purchased with his newly earned political capital, among other things, a bonsai tree, ten Wetzel pretzels, and five pairs of ladies’ silk panties.

“The president, as you know, has always had a bit of trouble keeping track of his capital,” joked vice president Cheney.

When asked about how much political capital is actually left in the president’s coffers, Cheney replied that there is about enough remaining to put “a couple of black and white flyers in the White House bathrooms encouraging our young staffers to save themselves for marriage.”

Prominent leaders of the conservative right were visibly upset by the news. “We were planning on saving up that political capital, putting it away in an account somewhere, so that one day we could use it to maybe get abortion banned or make gay-marriage unconstitutional,” said Pat Robertson, bursting into tears, “ How could he do that? How could he just throw our dreams away?”

In a statement released today, the president apologized for the “misuse” of his “public mandate”, saying that he really “could not remember what happened last night” but that his friends tell him he “definitely had a great time.”

The American Well-Wishing Society- JOIN NOW!

The American Well-Wishing Society
Join now and send your well-wishing through the mesosphere!

“We’re gonna give them so much well-wishing they won’t even know what to do with it.”
- Jay Stephens, founder of the American Well-Wishing Society

The Beginning

Founded in 1998, the American Well-Wishing Society, in conjunction with the US Department Foreign Affairs, is an organization that works hard to send well-wishing to places in need. Thet on most recent recipients of American well-wishing include victims of the Rwandan genocide, survivors of cyclones in Bangladesh, and a little boy who fell down a well last week in West Virginia.

Well-wishing was developed as an alternative to monetary foreign aid and US foreign policy during the Rwandan genocide of 1998. We were a small group at that time and while our well-wishing do not prevent 800,000 Rwandans from dying, we like to think that without our well-wishes perhaps a few 100,000 more Rwandans might have met their miserable end. Our current campaign is to send our well-wishes to people around the world, especially in Africa and Asia, who are infected with the AIDS virus.

For the Skeptics; Our Scientific Approach

“One should not underestimate the power of the well-wish,” cautions Mary Gretty, member of The American Well-Wishing Society, “ In fact, it was well-wishing alone that stopped the spread of communism in Eastern Europe! I remember vividly my parents and I kneeling in our nuclear bomb shelter in the 1950s, my hands clenched, eyes closed tightly, trying with all my heart to well-wish those communists to hell.”

Well-wishing has come a long way from the 1950s! While originally well-wishing required serious concentration and focus, we at the American Well-Wishing Society have worked hard to take the bor-ing out of well-wish-ing. The American Well-Wishing Society has developed a modern well-wishing technique, bringing together science and your good, hopeful thoughts to maximizing the potency of your very own well-wishes while minimizing the dreariness.

How does it work?

Members of the American Well-Wishing Society will be able to maximize the impact of their well-wishes without even taking your eyes off of your favorite television program with our new Well-Wishing Enhancer. Just put on your eco-friendly indigenously made Well-Wishing Enhancer and well-wish poverty, suffering, disease, and misfortune away!

How does the Well-Wishing Enhancer Work?

When used properly, the Well-Wishing Enhancer shoots your well-wishes on a parabolic trajectory. Your well wish reaches its apex a few miles above the mesosphere (approximately 100 km above the Earth’s surface). Any higher and your well-wish would float off into space! Your well-wish will then begin its speedy descent, allowing for maximum impact in the location of your choice.


What will my well-wishes look like?

Well-wishing often takes form as a brilliant ray of sunlight, a perfect rainbow, or sometimes as an Atomic bomb.

How do I join?

Just send a check for $250 made out to The American Well-Wishing Society.

Hindu Politicians Embrace TiVo Recording Technology, Frees Them from Confines of Linear Notion of Time

New Delhi, India: At the “Practical Solutions to Everyday Hindu Problems” conference held yesterday at the Taj Hotel in India‘s capital, leaders in the Hindu ruling party, the Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP), met to discuss how TiVo, a revolutionary television recording technology, has impacted their religion.

Introduced early last year, TiVo is a service that operates a digital video recorder. For a small monthly service charge, TiVo will automatically find and record all of your favorite television shows. Also, TiVo does not require additional tapes to record programming but rather the shows are digitally saved right in the memory of the device, providing a more accommodating and less cumbersome alternative to the VCR.

Jai Jay, founder of Hindus for Integration, a group which encourages Hindus to find creative ways to co-exist in an increasingly non-Hindu world, spoke about how TiVo has transformed the lives of Hindus worldwide. “You see, in the Hindu philosophy,” explained Jay, “time is not seen as being linear, as in the traditional Western sense, but as cyclic. In every moment, one is experiencing the past, present, and future- every second contains an infinity.”

While refreshing, this cyclic notion of time also seems cause problems for its followers, especially when it comes to entertainment. “Of course, my biggest conflict with this non-linear concept of time, as shared by many of my fellow Hindus,” claims Jay, “is that we consistently miss our favorite television shows, which are scheduled in a linear fashion throughout the day.”

Jay experimented with many different techniques to try and catch his linear television shows within his cyclic lifestyle. “Often times I would try and look for divine signs that would indicate when my favorite television programs would be on. One time I witnessed a cow giving birth to a baby elephant and I thought surely Lord Ganesh was giving me a signal. And so I ran to the television and turned it on, hoping to find Clarissa Explains it All reruns but alas, that quirky clever young girl was nowhere in sight, and I was forced to watch old cricket matches.”

After struggling with this problem for years, Jay soon discovered new TiVo technology and was immediately liberated. “Now harmony has once again been restored to my existence. I can record my favorite TV shows and watch them whenever I please for as many times in a row as I desire. Just yesterday I watched the evening news before I watched the morning news! Incredible! I am no longer handicapped by my challenging concept of time.”

The subcontinent’s positive response to the product has more than delighted its creators. “I mean, we honestly did not anticipate Hindus being one of our biggest buyers,” laughs TiVo co-creator Scott Peter, “Frankly, we had the impression that Hindus wouldn’t buy it because, well, we thought Hindus were pretty stingy.”

Jai Jay was not at all too stingy to purchase the $150 TiVo. In fact, he bought three, one for each TV in his home. “One can never be too non-linear,” joked Jay, “Especially when one has satellite TV with 450 channels!”

Landless Peasants Squat Super Wal-Mart Parking Lot

Little Rock, AR: Last week, in the far northeastern corner of a Little Rock, Arkansas Super Wal-Mart parking lot, a group of thirty Brazilian landless peasants were discovered by Girl Scouts Troupe 475 squatting the land. The peasants had already built a small town made of cardboard boxes and had dug up the parking lot asphalt, planting potatoes, tomatoes, avocado trees, and herba mate in the rich fertile soil beneath.

Jennifer Sully, leader of troupe 475, spotted the shanytown through her binoculars as she was searching the vast lot for the elusive red-tailed hawk. "Well," explained Sully, "I was looking for a darned red hawk, you know, so I could get my bird watchin' patch when all of a sudden, in the corner of my binoculars, I spotted an old brown man watering the parking lot."
The brown man Jennifer Sully saw through her binoculars was Paulo Borges, the elected representative of the small squatter community. Borges believes that his peoples’ claim to the land is justified. “We are poor peasants who have had our lands taken away from us by the wealthy. Often times, the land goes to waste, just sitting there, not being used while we starve,“ claimed Fernandez.

Refusing to live in forced poverty, the Brazilian landless peasants began organizing themselves, building one of the largest and most powerful landless peasant movements in the world. “After many years,” explained Borges, “we won an agreement with the government allowing us to live and grow food on any unproductive land.” This is why, Borges argues, his people are justified in their occupation of the "immense barren land" that is the northeast corner of the Super Wal-Mart parking lot.

“The rich cannot deny us our basic rights to land and life,” stated Borges, surrounded by members of the Brazilian squatter community.

Wal-Mart officials, though, seemed somewhat confused by the claims of the landless peasants. “Well,” began David Stevenmeyer, weekend manager of the Little Rock Super Wal-Mart, “I don’t even know where to begin. I mean, first, this isn’t even Brazil, and second, this land is being used, to park the cars of Super Wal-Mart customers.”

Reggie Patterson, regional director of Wal-Mart, was also quite dumbfounded by the discovery. “How the hell did they even get here? Did they walk? Can you even walk from Brazil to Little Rock? Where the hell is Brazil? Someone get me a map.”

Jim Daily, mayor of Little Rock, argued against the legitimacy of such an agreement if it were to exist in America. “If we let people just take over unused land, the homeless would be settin’ up shop in the aisles of CostCo, poor farmers would grow crops on high school running tracks, and immigrants would sell various fried foods on church lawns. It would really challenge everything we stand for in America.”

The landless peasants claim that their corner of the parking lot, only 1/2 square mile out of the 10 square mile Super Wal-Mart parking lot, was not being used by Super Wal-Mart customers because most tried to park closer to the mega-store so as to avoid the 3 mile trek from the northeast parking lot corner to the front entrance. “People are always asking us for directions to the Super Wal-Mart and when we point to the surrounding miles of asphalt and say, this is Super Wal-Mart, they just snicker to themselves and mutter ‘those crazy immigrants’,” explained Cristina Silva, resident of the squatter community.

Residents of the Mountain View condo community across the street from the northeast corner of the Super Wal-Mart parking lot support the claims of the landless peasants. Toby Diezer said, “To this day, I have not even seen one car parked out here. Every once and awhile we might see an RV with some campers or a couple of high school kids makin out, but otherwise, there is nothing going on out there.”

Despite the claims of the lack of usefulness of the northeast corner of the Super Wal-Mart parking lot, Wal-Mart will not allow the Brazilian landless peasant community to stay unless are they are “buying something at the store”. As a result, for the past week the landless peasants have created a 24 hour Shopping Team. Each member of the community signs up for a one hour shopping shift, leaving the store after purchasing a Miniature Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup for 10 cents. Thus far, this tactic has prevented their removal from Super Wal-Mart property.

“We hope that this unspoken agreement between our community and Super Wal-Mart will last,” said Borges, “it is really a win-win situation, Super Wal-Mart receives our business and we get to eat those delicious mouth-watering peanut butter and chocolate candies.”

Lady No Luck's Word on Dating: Lazy Does Not Mean Leftist

By Lady No Luck

I know what you're all thinking, what does a wizened no-luck hag know about dating anyway?

But you would be wrong to assume anything about me based only on my appearance. Like when I was watching my bald, 60-year-old father peruse dishwashers at Home Depot, the sales clerk came up to me and said, "You should pick out the dishwasher. After all, you're the lady of the house." To which I replied, "Oh excuse me, I think you have made an incorrect assumption based on my appearance. I am not the wife of this bald, 60-year-old man. I am just his prematurely aged 24-year-old daughter."

But although I do not pick out dishwashers, I do know a good deal about dating. And I am here to spread my wisdom, as it is only wasted residing inside the brain of an old hag like me.

As any leftist lady alone in a non-leftist world knows, our choices are sadly few and far between when it comes to finding that special leftist somebody. Take me, for example. I grew up in a suburb famous for bringing the world Enron executives and Senate Majority Leader Tom Delay. To say that my hometown is conservative is to say that I look a little old for my age. Call a peach, a peach, wizened old hag always says!

During sophomore year of high school, as my hormones raged, I looked around my Honors World Geography class in dismay. All I saw were self-important, overly ambitious brats busy drawing their painstakingly accurate maps of Indonesia, hoping that Harvard would hear of their map-making genius, that Halliburton would hire the person with the most precise replication of the country's jutting, irregular borders! What was a lonely leftist lady to do?

And then my eye happened upon the boy in the corner. This boy was not drawing a map. He didn't even have map pencils on his desk. In fact, he was fast asleep, drool seeping from his surprisingly sensuous mouth onto a geography book, opened to the wrong chapter. Why hadn't I noticed this man before? He was no corporate monkey. He would not jump through the hoops of capitalistic society. He would not fight his fellow man for pits and seeds while the bloated bourgeoisie gorged on the succulent fruits of his labor! We went on our first date that afternoon.

At first, we were deliriously happy together. As a couple, he and I were more than just two progressive individuals of color, we were a mighty force for social justice. With my disdain for corporate media and his aversion to reading, with my opposition to the local Hooters and his preference for a place that would deliver, with my refusal to attend an elitist university and his inability to be accepted into any college whatsoever, we were the change that we wanted to see in the world.

Slowly, however, I began to realize that we did not see eye to eye on all the issues. I believed that people shouldn't be so alienated from their labor. He thought it would be cool if someone could invent a robot to do all the labor. When I mentioned that our government should do more to encourage citizen participation, he replied, "Why not ballots in bed? As long as they came by after 11, I'd like to vote in bed." Then came the morning of the anti-war rally-he insisted that we should just sleep in, because sleeping was "the ultimate act of civil disobedience." "There's nothing those capitalist pigs hate more than sleep," he said, curling into a ball under the covers. But I knew the thing the capitalist pigs hated most was the unity of the working classes. And that was when I realized my fateful mistake . . . I had thought he was leftist, but he was really just lazy.

And so I urge you--do not make the same mistakes as this decrepit wrinkled mess you see before you. When you meet your next potential leftist lover, perhaps someone with greasy hair and putrid underarms, ask him or her, "Are you opposed to capitalism's commodification of the body, or is a shower just too time and labor intensive, you lazy, disgusting shit?" Once burned, twice shy, wizened old hag always says!

Sweatshop Workers in Bangladesh on Strike, Tired of Making Unfashionable Clothes

Dhaka, Bangladesh; Chanting the slogan “Hey, Hey, Ho, Ho! Ugly Clothes Have Got to Go!” into the hot humid air, sweatshop workers at factories outsourced by Lane Bryant, Eddie Bauer, and Wal Mart went on strike today after declaring that they are tired of making “frumpy, ill-fitting, pastel colored, unfashionable clothes.” Over 2,000 workers from four different textile factories located in downtown Dhaka are participating in the indefinite strike, which began early this morning.

“If we are going to be paid $1 a day by these factories and work in subhuman conditions, the least they can do is give us attractive, modern, fashionable clothes to manufacture,” argued Manesh Bhattacharya, leader of the newly formed Ugly Textile Workers Union of Bangladesh (UTWUB), “Is a vintage-styled red and white Adidas track suit with matching visor too much to ask for?”

Another female worker spoke of the shame associated with producing such undesirable clothes. “All of my friends, they work for high fashion companies like Bebe, Banana Republic, and Abercrombie and Fitch. They always make fun of me, asking why I sew such big big underwear for WalMart, as if I designed them myself!”

The strike comes at the end of an ongoing two year worker driven campaign. In the past years, the UTWUB has tried various tactics to try change the ugly clothes policy, including non-violent sit-ins, large scale rallies, and transnational consumer boycotts. None of the actions seemed to work, leaving the workers no other option, in their opinion, but to go on strike. “We have tried everything, from petitions, to town meetings, to protests,” cried Bhattacharya, “We are poor people but we must work with dignity. Even we would not wear a purple fleece vest with pleated tapered khakis and Velcro sandals.”

In response to the announcement of the strike, the three companies issued a joint statement in which they appeared unwilling to budge on this issue. The companies said that while they “are hurt that workers find their clothes unappealing” they will do nothing to change the policy because “there appears to be a large market for so-called ‘ugly’ clothes.”

Nellie McRoy, vice-president of Lane Byrant, a plus size women’s clothing store, seemed somewhat irritated by the news of strike. In a phone interview, she angrily stated that “it is not up to the workers to decide what fashion is, that’s not how capitalism and free markets work. We leave it up to our hundreds of thousands of, in my opinion, well-dressed consumers to decide what is and is not ugly.”

Labor studies have shown that while workers who make ugly clothes earn wages and work in conditions that are equal to those worker who make fashionable clothes, ugly clothes workers are ten times more likely to quit their job or engage in social protest. Labor analysts attribute this trend to the “Guilty By Association” factor. Keith Johnson, a professor of labor psychology at San Francisco State, argues that the anger these workers feel has little to do with the aesthetics of the clothes they produce but rather, has everything to do with the types of people who wear the clothes they work so hard to make. “Psychologically, workers tend to associate themselves with the people who purchase the clothes they produce,” explained Professor Johnson, “Workers who make fashionable clothes generally enjoy being associated with the rich, famous, and good looking whereas most ugly clothes workers are discontent being associated with chubby citizens of the first world who have bad taste. One could argue that if George Clooney regularly wore lemon-yellow turtlenecks from Eddie Bauer, these striking workers would be ecstatic about their jobs.”

Consumer opinion seemed somewhat divided on this issue, with some consumers supporting the right of workers to make clothes they are proud of and others arguing that workers should just work, and leave the fashion divining up to the first world. “What the heck do those people know about fashion?,” cried out Steven Laterby, a middle-aged tire salesman, “They’d wear a potato sack to Thanksgiving dinner if they could!”

Others showed more sympathy for the workers. Tiffany Smith, a high school cheerleader, sneered at the thought of making clothes for Eddie Bauer, Lane Bryant, and Wal-Mart. “Oh my gosh, eeeeeewwwwww! I would rather die than make those UG clothes! Yeah, I would totally rather die.”

Student at University of Wisconsin, Madison held a solidarity rally for the striking workers on their campus. Jennie Mayer, co-coordinator of Students for Dignity at Work, said that they organized this rally to pressure the UW administration to divest from Eddie Bauer and to educate the campus on the needs of sweatshop workers. “I hear so many economists say ‘people in third world countries are just so happy to have a job that they don’t care WHAT they are doing’ but this UTWUB strike really challenges that reasoning,” argued Mayer, “This strike says that sweatshop workers want to be proud of their work and that they want to express themselves. Just like an impressionist painter, these workers would rather starve than be forced to work against their artistic impulses.” She then added, “The only impulse I have when I see black stirrup leggings at Lane Byrant is to vomit.”

Other workers’ unions have announced their support of the UTWUB, including the Singing Plastic Fish Workers of South Asia and the Bangladeshi Garden Gnome Association.

Couple Remodels Home, Feel Pain of Palestinians

Los Angeles, CA: John and Mary Stevenson never thought they could fully understand the plight of the Palestinians. They both earned bachelor degrees in the social sciences from prestigious universities, have read avidly about the post-colonial Middle East, and both strongly support the creation of a Palestinian state. But after dealing with one of the most harrowing experiences of their lives, they have a new born sympathy for the displaced Middle Easterners.

It all began with a simple decision to remodel their home.

When the Stevensons began their remodeling project a few months back, they thought it would be a relatively simple process with few hassles.

“We wanted to remodel the home for our new baby girl,” said Mrs. Mary Stevenson, “She always laughs with delight when she sees the new stainless steel GE double oven with matching refrigerator.”

“We thought this would be an easy project,” explained John Stevenson, “Just a minor inconvenience in our daily lives. All we were doing was some basic tile work in the kitchen and bathrooms, replacing appliances, some toilets, and replacing the counter tops.”

But the Stevensons were unaware of just what had to be done to complete their modest construction project. What they thought would be an easy process turned into a powerful imposition on their daily lives.

“Nobody told me that they would have to unplug the refrigerator to place new tile,” exclaimed Mary Stevenson,”All of my homemade yogurt went bad! And who knew it took two days to install new toilets? Can you imagine my embarrassment when I had to go over to the neighbor’s house to ‘take care of business’?”

Indeed, the Stevensons will endure a difficult life for the next few weeks until the construction in their home is completed. At times, they will live without hot water or functioning toilets, without access to a stove or oven and with no refrigerator. The air in their home will be filled with the dust of destruction. Construction workers occupy their track home day and night, telling them when to go to sleep and when to wake up.

“Now we understand how the Palestinians feel,” lamented Mary Stevenson,” We are refugees in our own home. We are living in rubble, our lives run by the construction workers. Our home is not our own. Our lives are not our own.”

John Stevenson, longingly looking out of a shattered window (a loose bit from a power drill had shot through it the day before), provided an eerie depiction of life in the remains of his home. “Sometimes,” he began,” The mixed cries of mothers and their hungry babies fill the air. . . namely because my wife will step on a stray nail on her way to breast-feed the baby.”

The owner of the construction company had little to say about the Stevenson affair.” I don’t understand what their problem is,” said Lance Kittle, owner of Kittle & Fits Construction, “They should be happy they even have a home. Do they know what those poor Palestinian people are going through right now?”

White House Instant Messages

Crawdaddy69: hey ya’ll

Crawdaddy69: anyone there?

HALLI-tosis: what up, big dog?

Rice-a-Roni has signed on

Rice-a-Roni: Hello, sir

LilRummerBoy has signed on

LilRummerBoy: you KNOW!

Crawdaddy69: nothing much over here. . .i’ve been watching the news, though. Man, this war on terror is slicker than a buttery jack-rabbit

HALLI-tosis: You said it, sir

Rice-A-Roni: Excellent use of figurative language, Mr. President

IluvPotter has signed on

Crawdaddy69: well, lookie here, if it isn’t the Lord of the Rings himself. hey karl- how’s it going?

IluvPotter: GREAT! I just saw Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban yesterday. Absolutely amazing!

Crawdaddy69: harry potter 3, eh? Did you go with the dungeons and dragons club? LOL!

LilRummerBoy: good one! HA!

Crawdaddy69: just kiddin, my man. so what do you think about this war, Rove?

IluvPotter: It is as simple as the battle between good and evil for Middle Earth in LOTR.

HALLI-tosis: shit! here we go again. . .

IluvPotter: It’s like we are the Fellowship of the Ring and the terrorists are the Dark Lord and his empire.

Crawdaddy69: ok, ok, OK! We get it. Seriously. Enough of this nerd business. now, everyone, I’m glad we are talkin in the internet right now because I’m havin a bit of a problem—last week at the cabinet meeting, I was assigned to think of some campaign slogans for the election but I am stumped! Y’all have any ideas?

LilRummerBoy: I got one- How about “What war? Oh, THAT war. Bush/Cheney 2004”

Rice-A-Roni: LOL! How about this? “Let’s finish what we started. Cold War 2004”

LilRummerBoy: even better

HALLI-tosis: Well, I don’t mean to be rude, Mr. President, but are you sure you don’t want to try and do this assignment on your own, sir? The challenge might be good for your development as an individual.

Crawdaddy69: my development

HALLI-tosis: yes, sir

Crawdaddy69: as an individual

HALLI-tosis: well. . . yes, sir

Crawdaddy69: Cheney, let me tell you something- although I do support individualism for the needy, I’m a big big fan of team work. Team work got me through college. Now, we are a team, right?

HALLI-tosis: of course

Rice-A-Roni: Absolutely.

LilRummerBoy: sure thing

Crawdaddy69: Then, as I used to say when I was president of the Texas Cattle Ranchers Team, “There is no I in TEAM. . .but there is MEAT.” LOL!

Rice-A-Roni: Excellent point, sir.

LilRummerBoy: damn good one, Mr. Prez

Crawdaddy69: HEY! That reminds, me. . . you know that BBQ at your house last week, rum?

LilRummerBoy: yeah

Crawdaddy69: it got me thinking

LilRummerBoy: yes, sir

Crawdaddy69: How does McDonalds make that McRib sandwich without any ribs in it?

LilRummerBoy: excuse me?

Crawdaddy69: I mean, it definitely looks like a rib but it doesn’t have any bones in it. Amazing! Can you do that? Get ribs with no rib bones in it?

LilRummerBoy: I don’t really know

Crawdaddy69: maybe those McDonald’s scientists can genetically alter a pig so that it has no ribs at all

Rice-A-Roni: Well, that would leave the pig quite vulnerable, sir, like a country without a missile system. Any slight touch would rupture it’s internal organs.

Crawdaddy69: but I’m not talking about the McLung, I’m talking about the McRIB, lady!

IluvPotter: Can we get back on track, here? I want to finish this up so I can re-read Harry Potter 3 tonight.

Crawdaddy69: right, right- campaign slogans. sorry karl, I always have trouble payin attention around dinner time- LOL. Now, Rice and Rummy, these slogans are good but I don’t think they really capture what we are all about, you know? Family stuff, Americaness, Individualization, Kickin Everyone’s Ass- these sorts of things.

LilRummerBoy: Alright, how about: “If you don’t want terrorists to kill you and everybody you know in a fiery blaze of death, then vote Bush/Cheney 2004.”

Crawdaddy69: Not bad

HALLI-tosis: I got one. “America is about tolerance and if gay people did not exist, we would all be a much more tolerant country. Bush/Cheney 2004.”

Crawdaddy69: you really hit it home there

Crawdaddy69: nerd-boy, you got anything you wanna add?

IluvPotter: yes, I do. “Go Where No Man Has Gone Before. Bush/Cheney 2004.” I was inspired after watching the Star Trek: The Next Generation marathon on TBS last weekend.

Crawdaddy69: THAT’S IT! That is great! positive and forward lookin, yet really vague and unspecific- and we are takin this country places it has never been. Perfect! Karl Rove the geek-meister does it again! Hits it right outta the ballpark. I love team work!

Rice-A-Roni: Great work, Karl!

LilRummerBoy: yeah, that’s good.

CPowell46 has signed on

CPowell46: Hey, everyone! I just got back from talking with the UN about Iraq. What are you all discussing?

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CPowell46: Hello?

Bush Begins Smear Campaign On 8 Year Old Nephew, Calls Him "Lame Wussy"

Washington D.C.: Today the Bush Administration began a fierce smear campaign against Sean Bush Jr., the eight year old nephew of President Bush. In a press conference, President Bush called his nephew a "lame wussy", arguing that in the real world "if you can’t handle playing with the big boys, then stay inside and engage in diplomatic discussions with your imaginary friends." The President then flung several dead rats and a string of live firecrackers into the press corp.

This aggressive attack comes after a recent interview with Barbara Walters in which Sean Bush Jr. stated that sometimes he got upset with the President because when they play catch, President Bush purposefully hits him “above-the-waist”. “Every time we start playing, I make sure to tell him to try and not hit me but then on his first throw, Uncle Bush will knock me in the head with the ball,” lamented Bush Jr. Just last month, Sean Bush Jr. had to be taken to the emergency room after playing with the President for a suspicious bloody nose.

The Bush Administration immediately went on the defensive. Condoleeza Rice was quick to challenge the boy‘s credibility. “We know for a fact that Sean Bush Jr. is a compulsive liar. Just yesterday, he told his mother that he cleaned his room when in fact he just deceivingly shoved everything under his bed,” claimed Rice, “In addition, sources close to Sean Bush Jr. say that the boy was upset with the President because the President can eat candy for breakfast and go to bed at anytime he wants to.”

Donald Rumsfeld also laid doubts as to how strongly Sean Bush Jr. emphasized the importance of playing below-the-waist. “Look, I was there at every game the President had with his nephew. I was right there with them, chucking the ball at that kid. If not hitting Sean in the head with the ball was so important to Sean, then how come the President and myself kept hitting him upside the head with the ball? Huh? Exactly.” Rumsfeld then pulled out the administration's "playing catch" strategic outline and briefed the press corp on how he plans to minimize cranial hits.

"But, of course," added the Secretary of Defense, "statistically speaking, accidents will happen."

Ads smearing the young Sean Bush Jr. are being aired on major networks in most of the swing states, including Florida, Ohio, and New Mexico. The ads show a young boy playing with dolls, baking cookies with his mother, and jumping rope with a group of little girls and then asks, “Would you trust a lame wussy over the President?”

Many political interest organizations have already begun protesting the ad, including groups advocating for women‘s rights. NOW representative Becky Lin argued that just because one engages in traditionally feminine activities of baking and rope jumping “does not mean that they are wussies who can’t take a few hits to the head.” “Women go through unbearable pain giving birth to children, “exclaimed Lin,” you mean to tell me that they are going to run off crying to Barbara Walters if they get smacked upside the head with a wiffle ball? Absolutely not and we resent the negative association.”

The latest charges against Sean Bush Jr. come at the end of a long line of aggressive smear campaigns conducted by the Bush Administration against supposed “loser geek posers” who are “jealous” of the President. Included in recent smear campaigns were President Bush’s former nanny, who claimed that the President's favorite food is not BBQ ribs but rather delicate New England lobster cakes in a rosemary cream sauce, and the teenage Bush’s Driver‘s Training instructor, who claimed that when he would ask the young Bush to make a right turn, he would turn left instead and snicker to himself.

Seafood, See Food

By Lady No Luck

Have you ever felt that love between a woman of color and a white man is like an unreachable blinking planet on a clear summer night? Isn’t that quite a unique metaphor? I mean, who’s thought of love as a planet before? Not anyone I’ve heard of. And has anyone really thought of love as blinking? Or winking? Or jlinking, says Dr. Seuss? Kinko’s is a great place to think of metaphors at 2:30 in the morning, while you’re photocopying pictures about the Jim Crow South. How ‘bout this metaphor. Yo mama’s so fat, she uses the rings of Saturn as a hula hoop. Just to continue the planetary theme. You might not have thought of yo mama jokes as metaphors, huh? Try on another metaphor. School is like taking a dump, ‘cause it’s a struggle.

Have you ever been called affectionate names by a white man? You know, when you’re over at his studio apartment, and as a conscious woman of color, you’re thinking, maybe this could be the night. Maybe I could really do this shit and not feel weird about it. Maybe my friends and family will accept him, or maybe I’ll love him enough not to care. Maybe the fact that he’s in the army won’t really matter.

I mean, he tells you the stories of American army tanks rolling into Iraqi cities. He tells you this over coffee at 3:00 AM at Jamie’s Deli the night before, right after he yells grenade!, and tears a sugar packet in half and throws it in your lap. He tells you that the soldiers who get assigned to tanks are often young kids right out of high school. When the tanks roll out, Iraqi children often run out right in front. Waving hello! The soldiers driving the tanks grind them to a halt. Then the Iraqi fighters start shooting. He makes piles out of the sugar with his fingers. Then he tells you that military officials higher up soon give the order that soldiers are not to stop their tanks for children. He pulls his eyes down, and they soften. How do you think young kid soldiers can cope with that, he says? Your mind wants to become the shoulder upon which he cries, but you fight it, because you don’t want that yet, because you think that he just wants you to feel sorry enough to have sex. So you turn your mind into…a didgeridoo. Buhooowooooooo.Buhoowooooooo.

You remember this as you pull the popcorn shrimp out of his fridge, and you think that he’s sensitive and critical. Maybe he has certain understandings about his whiteness, you say to yourself. So you place the popcorn shrimp on a baking tray, and you tell him that you’ll put them in the oven, because you know that he probably hasn’t eat all day. You say these things aloud. In about 15 minutes, the timer goes off for the shrimp, and he goes over to the oven to pull them out. He places the shrimp on a plate and puts it in front of you. You’re reading Anne Frank at the dining table. He goes to lay down on the bed in his tiny studio apartment.

Then, he calls you out from his corner of the room, why don’t you be my slave tonight? You look up from your book. Why don’t you feed me my shrimp?, he continues. Fuck you, you say. Then he says, why don’t you be the good concubine that you were raised to be. Come over here and be my concubine and feed me my shrimp. (Later, your mom tells you later that you should have slammed your hands down on the table and said, I wasn’t raised to be a concubine. I was raised to be a bitch!) You start eating the shrimp on the table at a rapid speed. He notices and realizes that he won’t get any shrimp unless he gets up and feeds himself. Did conquerors ever have to deal with this dilemma, the problem of feeding themselves? Did colonizers actually have to lift their hand from their plate and place morsels of food in their mouths? I wonder. Anyway, so you’re eating the shrimp, and he’s eating the shrimp. The shrimps are just flying off the plate at the speed of light! He pauses to put more mustard onto the plate, and you down three shrimps just like that. Both of your cheeks are bulging, and it comes down to the last shrimp. You’re shooting shrimp flesh and batter from your mouth as you say, you can have it. And without a word, he picks up the shrimp and swallows it, just like that.

Republican Door-to-Door Canvassing Rap

Republicans going door-to-door in their communities, building support for the Bush campaign, should use this rough outline to guide their conversations.

Knock on door. Wait for answer.

Hello! My name is (your name here). Do you want you and your family to die in a terrorist’s fiery blaze of death?

If person answers NO:

Then you need to vote for President Bush in this very important presidential election.

If person answers YES or MAYBE:

Well, may I ask why that is?

Listen to explanation, AFFIRM their explanation, and then RESPOND:

Yes, I do understand what you are saying but did you know that John Kerry stated that he does not care if you or your loved ones are destroyed in a deathly blaze of terrorism? What do you think about that?

Listen to explanation, AFFIRM their explanation, and FIND THEIR ISSUE:

Yes, I do understand what you are saying but if you could not die in any type of terrorist attack, such as a bombing, hijacking, chemical attack, and so on, what type of terrorist attack would you most like to not die in?

AGITATE, then ASSESS COMMITMENT:

Many people in your community also said that they would not like to die in ___________ type of terrorist attack and they are coming together to make sure that their concerns are addressed. One of the ways they are doing this is by supporting President Bush in the upcoming election.

Can we count on you to vote for President Bush in this election?

If YES:

Great, here is a Bush/Cheney 2004 banner to put across your garage. Thank you for your support.

If NO, RE-AGITATE by reconnecting to their ISSUE, then RE-ASSESS COMMITMENT:

If you do not want you and your loved ones to die in __________ type of terrorist attack, then how else are you all going to not die in it unless you support a candidate who is against you and your loved ones dying in a terrorist’s fiery blaze of death? So, can President Bush count on your support in this election?

If YES:

Thank you! Here is a Bush/Cheney 2004 sweatshirt for your cute ____________ (dog, child, niece, grandson, etc).

If NO:

Do your loved ones and neighbors know that you do not care if they are destroyed by a terrorist? Do they? Maybe we should tell them.

Get on MEGAPHONE:

EXCUSE ME! VARIOUS LOVED ONES AND NEIGHBORS OF ____________(name of resident), DID YOU KNOW THAT __________ (name of resident) DOES NOT CARE IF YOU ARE BLOWN TO PIECES IN A TERRORIST ATTACK? YES! IT’S TRUE , HE/SHE JUST TOLD ME RIGHT NOW! OH MY GOSH! AND HE/SHE JUST CONFESSED TO ME THAT HE/SHE IS GAY AND WANTS TO RUN OFF TO SAN FRANCISCO AND MARRY HIS/HER HIGH SCHOOL GYM TEACHER! IT’S TOTALLY TRUE! WHAT? OH MY GOODNESS! NOW HE/SHE JUST DEMANDED THAT EVERY PREGNANT WOMAN IN AMERICA ABORT THEIR FETUSES SO THAT HE/SHE CAN PERFORM STEM CELL RESEARCH SO THAT HE/SHE CAN HEAL THE SICK AND, I QUOTE, “HOLD SOCIETY IN THE PALM OF HIS/HER HAND LIKE GOD.” OH HELP ME! NOW HE/SHE HAS JUST FIRED A LOCAL COMMUNITY GARDENER FROM TENDING TO HIS/HER LAWN AND HAS HIRED AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT TO MOW HER GRASS FOR HALF THE PRICE (AND HALF THE QUALITY OF WORK, MAY I ADD). WHAT IS GOING ON HERE AT THE RESIDENCE OF _______________(name of resident), LOCATED AT _________________ (their address)?

Get off megaphone:

For the sake of your neighbors and loved ones, will you support President Bush in this election?

If YES:

I thought you weren’t gay! Enjoy this Bush/Cheney 2004 six-pack of Coors Light.

If still NO:

Well, thank you for your time and if you do not support President Bush, please consider voting for Ralph Nader. Have a good day!

ADHD Drug Companies Oppose Educational Reforms

Washington D.C.: Several major drug companies that produce drugs to counter Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) in children have come out against new legislation that calls for drastic educational reform. The legislation, supported by leading Democrats, the Parent-Teacher Association, and National Education Association, seeks to substantially change curriculum in public schools, adding more free-thinking, artistic, and participatory activities to standard lesson plans. According to the NEA, the legislation will “address the problem of an increasingly unfocused and hyper-active student population” by making learning “more creative, imaginative, and interactive for students.”

Drug companies, though, are arguing that such changes are an unnecessary waste of tax payers money. Research conducted by drug companies concludes that the American public education environment is already at its “totally most exciting possible level”. John Gutler, CEO of Eli Lilly, a leading pharmaceutical company that produces the ADHD drug Straterra, characterized the educational reform bill as “a threat to the jubilant fun-filled street parade that is American public education”.

“Public education in America is absolutely enthralling,” argued Gutler, “Even though I, myself, never attended public schools, other people have told me of the amazing activities they took part in as a student- such as filling out vocabulary crossword puzzles everyday and listening to teachers give hour long lectures on how to remember the order of the planets. My Very Excellent Mother. . .something, something, something.” Gutler believes that any student who can not pay attention during such “clearly phenomenal” educational activities must have “serious psychological and behavioral problems” that need to be addressed through drug therapy.

“Really, we can not just cover up the very real chemical imbalances in the brains of children who suffer from ADHD by turning the classroom into a brothel of the mind. These kids need to learn their times tables by reciting them over and over again for three hours straight. And in my opinion, that is really really fun. Really,” said Gutler.

Recent research on ADHD, though, seems to support the need for educational reform. Dr. Wendy Lee, Duke University professor and author of the scientific article “Why the Hell Can’t I Play With My Food?”, explained that "there are only so many math worksheets and character building house chores one can do before one starts flinging erasers across the room and eating glue. Our research concludes that we might have to re-diagnose millions of young people who supposedly have ADHD with just a severe case of boredom."

In fact, Dr. Lee argued that we should be more concerned with so-called “model students”, children who have no need for ADHD drugs, have no problem paying attention in school and who, in fact, might even like school. "Because really," said Dr. Lee, "how could a normal kid spend half a day learning the capitals of all 50 states and not want to color their entire body with a scented Magic Marker?"

Currently, the bill is being held up in the Senate, where many conservative senators are hesitant to support the controversial legislation, unwilling to risk the loss of significant political donations from drug companies. Majority Leader Bill Frist (R) commented that “it’s hard to tell what is better for the young people of America, running in endless circles around their desks during a two hour quiet reading time or, under the new curriculum, learning physics by constructing and launching rockets made out of popsicle sticks with the guidance of NASA scientists. But either way, it really won’t hurt parents to sprinkle Ritalin in their child’s bowl of Fruit Loops every morning.”

My Office Diary

2/02/06

Dear Diary,
At work today I discovered a wonderful internet game known as Bejeweled 2. It is like a combination of Tetris and Columns. I just cannot stop myself from playing this game all through the day. It is so relaxing!
Sincerely,
Worker

2/05/06

Dear Diary,
Something is very wrong with me. Today my boss asked me to do something for him and I got mad because he interrupted my game of Bejeweled 2. I was actually angry. I didn’t say anything, but I felt enraged on the inside. Why do I get so mad when my boss asks me to do some work while I am playing an amazing puzzle game on the internet?
Sincerely,
Worker

2/07/09

Dear Diary,
I am getting very brazen. Today when my boss came into my office asking me to do something, I did not even try and hide my game of Bejeweled 2. In fact, as he was talking to me, I just kept staring at the screen and clicking on those beautiful jewels and nodded like I understood what he was saying. Except I didn’t and I had to email him after to ask him what it was he wanted me to do.
Sincerely,
Worker

2/08/06

Dear Diary,
Today my boss sent me an email asking me if I had enough work to do. I said that I did. And I do. . .is Bejeweled 2 considered work? Mental note: check union bargaining agreement to see if playing phenomenal internet puzzle games falls under job description.
Sincerely,
Worker

2/10/09

Dear Diary,
How is it that I can play an astounding internet puzzle game for hours and hours and hours on end and feel completely delighted but when my boss asks me to send one fax I want to rip the phone out of the wall and throw it at his head? I don’t understand. Why does one thing give me such pleasure and the other give me such deep deep pain?
Sincerely,
Worker

2/13/06

Dear Diary,
I read my bargaining agreement and to my dismay, internet puzzle games do NOT fall under my job description. I am extremely upset. I plan to speak with the union organizer about this injustice.
Sincerely,
Worker

2/16/06

Dear Diary,
My union decided to go on strike, Re: Bejeweled 2! Can you believe it? It turns out that the majority of the workers in my union were upset that they too were interrupted frequently by bosses when playing Bejeweled 2. One guy in the union made it to level 79 (LEVEL 79!!!!) and at this critical moment, his boss asked him to send out a reminder email for conference call they were having on Friday and he lost his concentration. Needless to say, when you lose your concentration, you lose Bejeweled 2.
Sincerely,
Worker

2/21/06

Dear Diary,
Guess what? After 4 days on strike, the bosses said that we were permitted to play Bejeweled 2 for 3 hours a day! WE WON! Of course, they took away our health care. But now Bejeweled II is listed as an official task under our job description. I am so glad to have a union!
Sincerely,
Worker

2/2406

Dear Diary,
Life is really a crazy ride. Now that Bejeweled 2 is considered a work activity, I find myself not wanting to play!!! Maybe the allure of Bejeweled 2 was in that fact that it was not permitted, looked down upon, and a form of defiance. But now when my boss sends us an email reminding us to play Bejeweled 2 from 1 - 4 pm, I want to punch my computer monitor with my bare fist, pull out the Cathode Ray Tube, and smash it over his head. Why is life always so ironic? WHY? It makes me want to hurl our new HP All-in-One fax/printer/copier/scanner into irony’s face.
Sincerely,
Worker

Bored Again Christian

Ghosts Demand Non-Living Wage

Washington, D.C.: Large numbers of ghosts from the spirit world have come together to demand a non-living wage to help them not have a decent quality of life. Ghosts from all over the country have been riding buses across the nation, finally ending up here in Washington DC yesterday for a culminating march. They are asking the President to lower federal wage standards for ghosts.

John McAllister, lead organizer of the Ghost Freedom Ride, explained the reasoning behind their demands. “Currently, the wage level set for ghosts is $13.00/hour, adjusting for inflation each year. It is what the living call a ‘living wage’. This wage level allows one enjoy a decent quality of life but guess what? We are ghosts. We are not alive.”

The ghosts are asking for the President to bring the ghost wage down to the federal wage, an unlivable $5.15/hour, so that they will not be able to live off of the money they earn and continue to live like the non-living specters they are. “It is my right as a deceased citizen of this country to not have to live in livable conditions,” exclaimed Maria Vasquez, “And applying the federal minimum wage to all ghosts would do just that! We want justice!”

Approximately 30% of ghosts earn a ‘living wage’, while the remaining 70% earn well below the living wage approximation, enjoying a general better quality of non-life than the bottom 30th percentile. Most of the ghosts protesting the living wage provide unskilled ghost labor such as house haunting, late night spooking, and other menial spirit-world tasks.

“I work two jobs a day, seven days week- a day job possessing little blonde children and a night job haunting the local abandoned mansion,” said Hattie Smith, “The least I deserve is to earn enough to not be able to live.”

Opposition to the Non-Living Wage movement, though, has been strong. Widowers, orphaned children, and grief stricken parents who have lost loved ones are pushing strongly for the living wage for ghosts to remain. “We miss our loved ones,” cried Jessie Tran, “and a living wage is the only way they can be a part of the living world!”

At this argument, most ghosts scoff or try to stifle their laughter. “Go back to the living world? Are you kidding?,” laughed Yusuf Hassam, “in the living America, there is war, chaos, and hate everywhere. In the non-living America, we all just sit back and chill the fuck out.”

In fact, it is that same apparent “ghost chillness” that local living business use to justify why ghosts should earn a non-living wage. “These ghosts are just so lazy!,” cried Kelly Franton, a small business owner in Los Angeles. “Since they are already dead, they make the worst capitalists-- they don’t care about productivity growth, increasing profits each quarter, and defeating the competition,” said Franton, ” In my opinion, they deserve the most non-living wage there is.”

President Bush's American Blog

May 10, 2004

Today, I am feeling EXCITED.

This morning, Karl stopped me in the men’s restroom and said, “Mr. President, I think you should write a blog, you know, for the people to read.”

Then, I said, “ Look, Karl, I’m from Texas and I’m the President. I aint gonna write any of those geeky sci-fi novels you and your chess club friends are always reading.” But then Karl explained to me, as he always does, that a blog is an Internet journal and not some girly fantasyland.

So, here I am, writing the first entry into my very own American blog.

American people (and other people), today I discovered something very amazing. At the bottom of my lunch bag, I found a great treat I have never tasted before- a chewy granola bar. Now, being from an older, more American generation, I am used to those hard crunchy granola bars and, let me tell ya, I never really enjoyed them that much. But these new chewy granola bars are really great. It had peanut butter and chocolate, which is my favorite combination. It wasn’t too sweet, but it wasn’t not sweet either. And the chewiness made it even more enjoyable. My question to the American people is this: How long have chewy granola bars been available to the public? How come I never knew about them?



May 11, 2004

Today, I am feeling CONFUSED.

So I guess this blog thing is not as easy as I thought. Karl said I need to write about issues other than granola bars, like the War on Terror, the prisoner abuse scandal, and etcetera. Things the American people want to hear about. This is what Karl says and America is a democracy. So, let’s give the people what they want.

#1. War on Terror: Well, I’ve been thinking about this one long and hard, believe you me. Long and hard. War on Terror. Let’s see here. . .it’s goin pretty good. What can I say about the War on Terror, really? What can anyone say about it except that it is a step in a direction. I wish someone would start a War on Terror against the White House kitchen staff- they keep givin’ me salads for lunch! Ha ha! But seriously folks, we are making great progress against terror of all forms, especially the maybe potentially possible type.

#2. Prisoner Abuse Scandal: Look, Donald Rumsfeld is not to blame here. Donald Rumsfeld is a fine man. A really great guy. He just had a BBQ for the staff last weekend at his house. He is a fine man who makes a fine batch of hickory smoked ribs. Did I mention that he pays taxes when his government asks him to? Yes, a great fine man. I mean, have you ever even been to a BBQ held by a terrorist? No, you probably haven't. You know why? Because terrorists don't have laid-back fun BBQs in their backyard. Terrorists don't know how to marinate a steak the right way. Terrorists don't have swimming pools with slides and diving boards. Terrorists don't even know how to swim. But Donald Rumsfeld is an excellent swimmer. He was a high school state champion in the 100 meter freestyle.

#3. Etcetera: I have heard a lot about this “etcetera.” My twin daughters told me that they had been offered some but of course, they didn't take them. They told me about how other kids would go to crazy rave parties and “drop e” as they say, meaning they’d take an etcetera pill. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, I do not support drug use of any kind. That is not something I believe in. Drug use can lead to brain damage, I've been told. Only cowards take drugs and since Americans aren’t cowards, only non-Americans take drugs.



May 12, 2004

Today, I am feeling CURIOUS.

In my free time between national security meetings, I’ve been doing research on granola bars (sorry Karl! I just had to know!). Granola bars are a really great American topic to study.

Did you know that granola is a satisfying combination of whole grains and oats held together with honey, molasses, or corn syrup?

Did you know that Stanley Mason, “American Master Inventor” to Fortune 500 companies, not only invented the granola bar, but also created the squeezable ketchup bottle, the heated pizza box, and the baby-shaped disposable diaper?

Did you know that the #1 most requested snack item by wounded American WW II soldiers in G.I. hospitals was granola?

Did you know that in the Middle East at anti-America rallies, cruel freedom-hating Islamic fundamentalists set fire to granola, throw it on the ground, and angrily stomp on it crying out “Death to America!”?

I guess it really isn't a coincidence that at this time in my life, with so many crises and difficulties in the world, the American snack of granola has been sent to me. It really makes you believe in a higher force. . .Alright, well, I got to get back to work. God Bless Ya’!

Iraq To Allegedly Be Most Democratic Democracy in the Universe, Scientists in Uproar

Baghdad, Iraq: At a press conference yesterday in Baghdad, the interim US leadership of Iraq and the Iraqi Governing Council discussed their ambitious democratic plans for the former madman-run Iraq. In a fiery speech reminiscent of the vibrancy of Theodore Roosevelt, Paul Bremer, head of the US administration in Iraq, emphatically stated, "We will make Iraq the most democratic democracy in the free world, empowering the populace with the opportunity to voice their opinions more than any other peoples in the history of the universe."

According to the proposed “Iraqi DemoCRAZY!” measure, in addition to voting being compulsory, Iraqis will have to vote an incredible five times a day, either before or after Muslim prayers which, coincidentally enough, are also five times a day. Every mosque will be equipped with used punch-style ballot voting booths and a full-time election staff of well-tanned retired persons, both donated by Gov. Jeb Bush of Florida.

With voting happening at such an unprecedented high frequency daily, Iraqis will have the chance to decide government action not only on major policy issues but also on everyday matters. Some sample issues might be: There is an extra 10 dinars in the health budget, would you rather we purchase four packages of band-aids or two hospital gowns? Should the pothole on the corner of Sadeed Ave. and Fatimah Ct. be filled? Would you prefer the Department of Education use paper clips or staples? Should the president wear his green or blue kufi hat tomorrow? What would you like for dinner, chicken kabobs or lentil soup?

Many citizens of Iraq are eager to have control over their lives once again. Fayzan Khan, a store owner in downtown Baghdad, is anxious to take part in the most democratic democracy in the universe. “I would very much like to participate in making important decisions in my country. For example, every week the trash collectors pick up the garbage on Tuesday but I would like to vote to move that to Fridays,” said Khan.

Astronomers, though, are doubting the lofty claim that Iraqis will vote more than any other organisms in the universe. Dr. Mary Lara, head astrophysicist at the Jet Propulsion Laboratories in Pasadena, CA, warned that one should carefully study the properties of time, space, and energy in the universe before making such grand assumptions. “We must remember the fact that on other planets, one day might consist of more or less than the standard 24 hours per day on Earth,” argued Dr. Lara. On Venus, one day consists of 243 earth days while on Jupiter, one day is only 9.8 hours. How, then can we compare the amount of democratic opportunities for Iraqis, Venutians, and Jupitatians when the measurement of time varies so drastically between the three? Dr. Lara went on to suggest that “in order to really say Iraq is the most democratic democracy in the universe, we must level the playing field by developing a standardized system of time for all planetary bodies.”

Scientists have repeatedly attempted to pass resolutions through the United Nations to change Earthly time to Standard Universe Time but they have always been vetoed by the United States. Proponents of the resolution were not surprised by the United States’ aggressive stance against Standard Universe Time. “The United States is the only country in the world that does not use the metric system of measurement. If we can’t even get Americans to weigh a turkey using kilograms, how can we possibly get them to switch over to a universal system of time?” asked Louise Frechette, Deputy Secretary-General of the United Nations.

Polls show that an overwhelming majority of Americans, about 89%, oppose the use of Standard Universe Time. Nancy Hill, head of Americans for the Democratic Way, argued against the resolution. “Americans don’t want to eat meter-long hot dogs at the baseball game or drink late-night milkshakes at diners that are open for 37 Standard Universe Time units a day,” cried Hill, ”That’s not the American way and even if every single non-American votes to change the time system, we still won’t change because, frankly, we just don’t want to.”

Not surprisingly, President Bush supports the view of majority America on this issue. “I am proud of the fact that our great American founding father, George Washington, invented the idea of time as we know it and I am not about to sacrifice that heritage just so I can know when M.A.S.H. reruns are on TV on Saturn,” yelled President Bush.

With or without Standard Universe Time, the new Iraqi voting system is said to go in effect by the end of August.

The Philippines to Build Military Base in Minneapolis, Protesters Demand Meatballs

Minneapolis, MN: Last month, the Filipino government purchased the vacated "Rink-a-Dink", a once popular ice rink in downtown Minneapolis, and has begun to turn the former recreational facility into military training grounds for the Filipino secret armed forces. "It is important for the Filipino people to secure an America market for Filipino goods, such as taro sweet bread and monkeys made out of coconuts," claimed General Patrick Hilo, head of the Filipino secret armed forces, "and we believe our own military expansion is imperative to those ends."

Donald Rumsfeld, the United States Secretary of Defense, surprisingly had little to say about the affair. “Well, I tried to explain to them that their taro sweet bread is so tasty that they don’t really need to build a military base to get Americans to buy it. Maybe a clever marketing strategy might be more effective. I even gave them a few slogans, like ‘Hello! It’s taro!’ and ’Brush your teeth before bed, especially if you ate some delicious Filipino taro sweet bread’ but they didn’t really go for it. Cultural differences, I guess, eh? Ha ha!” joked the secretary.

Many Filipino-American organizations are arguing in favor of the military base. “Out of 187 countries in the world, America has military bases in about 100. So really, the least America can do is accommodate for 30 of the Philippines most secretive and highly trained armed personnel,” argued Owen Guerrero, head of Filipinos for Equality, “America has always used their military power to force open foreign markets. I mean, there were CIA sponsored coups of Socialists in Chile and El Salvador. So why can‘t Filipinos do the same?”

To this point, Rumsfeld responded that the only reason America had to use military might was because most American products were, and still are, “crap”. “I mean, America makes junk like Charleston Chew and Chicken in a Biscuit. What else could we do but force people to buy it? " explained Rumsfeld, "But believe you me, people will be lining up for miles to get just a crust of that sweet bread, with or without armed men forcing them to. Trust me on that.”

Protests by various community groups have begun in Minneapolis namely because of the challenging aesthetics of the base. Due to the top secret nature of the military operations on the base, the Filipino government has designed a 300 foot tall, half mile by half mile, solid windowless cement building to be built on the land. Yesterday, community members planned a rally in front of the military-base-in-progress, protesting its imposing facade.

“It’s gonna look like a friggin’ IKEA in the middle of the city,“ complained Joe McDougal, a local resident, “except that I can’t get any of those delicious Swedish meatballs here.” McDougal, then remembering the pungent flavor of those moist sauce-covered meat spheres, began aggressively screaming “Meatballs! Meatballs!” at which the rest of the crowd started chanting, “Either this building falls, or we get Swedish Meatballs!” Thirty minutes later, in efforts to placate the rowdy crowd, local police officers brought the protesters plates of dry Italian meatballs which, after one bite, they began violently flinging at police cars.

Despite the protests, the Filipino government has no intention of slowing down the construction of their U.S. military base. In fact, they have plans to build more bases in San Bernardino, CA and Sugarland, TX. The Minneapolis base is scheduled to be completed by December, just in time to force Americans to purchase Filipino sweet bread and coconut monkeys as holiday gifts for family and friends.

Scientists Discover Distribution of God’s Blessings Challenge Laws of Thermodynamics

Richmond, VA: At the annual meeting of the United American Scientists of USA, scientists from NASA revealed that the laws of thermodynamics, which govern much of how the physical world operates, are being challenged by new research concerning the distribution of God’s blessings.

Dr. John Evergreen and Dr. Sato Takahashi, the NASA scientists who conducted the study, presented their research to a room full of America’s foremost physicists, chemists, and rocket scientists. “Well,“ began Dr. Takahashi, “after careful study of changes in the distribution of God’s Blessings over the last 200 years, we have found that God’s Blessings are being given out in a manner that contradicts everything we know about how the universe operates.”

The laws of thermodynamics clearly state that first, energy can not be created or destroyed and second, that energy can never pass spontaneously from a system with less energy to a system with more energy, also known as entropy.

But graphs tracking the global movement of God’s Blessings show that over the past two centuries, even though it has always had the greatest amount of God’s Blessings, the United States has experienced a continual spontaneous increase in its amount of God’s Blessings. The United States should be losing God‘s Blessings to nations that do not have as much of God‘s Blessings, moving towards an equilibrium. But this is not the case. “The United States has always had more of God’s Blessings than any other nation-state and this disparity is continuing to grow, contrary to the laws of thermodynamics,” claimed Dr. Evergreen.

Even more startling is the discovery that ever since the United States of America was formed in 1776, the amount of God’s Blessings in the universe increased by 300%, suggesting that God’s Blessings were created out of seemingly thin air.

When asked the cause of this seemingly unnatural distribution of the well-wishes of God, Dr. Evergreen said, “After years of study, we've concluded that either the laws of thermodynamics are seriously flawed or God just REALLY likes America. Scientifically speaking, I probably would vote for the latter. “

According to the NASA scientists, the potential consequences of such an immensely unequal distribution of God’s Blessings are serious and should be of great concern to the American people. India, a country with a population three times larger than the United States, has about 1/192 of the amount of God’s Blessings in the United States and frankly, it shows. “The streets are filled with the poor and homeless, diseases are rampant, communal violence is destroying communities, and they still use dial up modems,” listed Dr. Evergreen. They also argued that the rise in terrorism is a result of uneven distribution of God’s Blessings. “I mean, if the goal here is world peace and happiness, then we might want to do something about this,” said the doctor.

In order to push the world towards a global equilibrium of God’s Blessings, there are many simple actions the American people can take immediately. Dr. Takahashi suggested that Americans remove all “God Bless America” bumper stickers, lawn signs, and banners from their property. In addition, he recommended that people commit petty crimes, quarrel with family members, and have affairs with their neighbors’ spouses. “We need to do everything we can to stop God from further blessing the United States,” cried out Dr. Takahashi.

However hopeful, the scientists did consider the possibility that this strategy to reach a God’ Blessings equilibrium might not be successful. “Let’s face it, though,” conceded Dr. Evergreen,” sometimes God just can’t resist blessing us. We do have such great hygiene.”