Baghdad, Iraq: At a press conference yesterday in Baghdad, the interim US leadership of Iraq and the Iraqi Governing Council discussed their ambitious democratic plans for the former madman-run Iraq. In a fiery speech reminiscent of the vibrancy of Theodore Roosevelt, Paul Bremer, head of the US administration in Iraq, emphatically stated, "We will make Iraq the most democratic democracy in the free world, empowering the populace with the opportunity to voice their opinions more than any other peoples in the history of the universe."
According to the proposed “Iraqi DemoCRAZY!” measure, in addition to voting being compulsory, Iraqis will have to vote an incredible five times a day, either before or after Muslim prayers which, coincidentally enough, are also five times a day. Every mosque will be equipped with used punch-style ballot voting booths and a full-time election staff of well-tanned retired persons, both donated by Gov. Jeb Bush of Florida.
With voting happening at such an unprecedented high frequency daily, Iraqis will have the chance to decide government action not only on major policy issues but also on everyday matters. Some sample issues might be: There is an extra 10 dinars in the health budget, would you rather we purchase four packages of band-aids or two hospital gowns? Should the pothole on the corner of Sadeed Ave. and Fatimah Ct. be filled? Would you prefer the Department of Education use paper clips or staples? Should the president wear his green or blue kufi hat tomorrow? What would you like for dinner, chicken kabobs or lentil soup?
Many citizens of Iraq are eager to have control over their lives once again. Fayzan Khan, a store owner in downtown Baghdad, is anxious to take part in the most democratic democracy in the universe. “I would very much like to participate in making important decisions in my country. For example, every week the trash collectors pick up the garbage on Tuesday but I would like to vote to move that to Fridays,” said Khan.
Astronomers, though, are doubting the lofty claim that Iraqis will vote more than any other organisms in the universe. Dr. Mary Lara, head astrophysicist at the Jet Propulsion Laboratories in Pasadena, CA, warned that one should carefully study the properties of time, space, and energy in the universe before making such grand assumptions. “We must remember the fact that on other planets, one day might consist of more or less than the standard 24 hours per day on Earth,” argued Dr. Lara. On Venus, one day consists of 243 earth days while on Jupiter, one day is only 9.8 hours. How, then can we compare the amount of democratic opportunities for Iraqis, Venutians, and Jupitatians when the measurement of time varies so drastically between the three? Dr. Lara went on to suggest that “in order to really say Iraq is the most democratic democracy in the universe, we must level the playing field by developing a standardized system of time for all planetary bodies.”
Scientists have repeatedly attempted to pass resolutions through the United Nations to change Earthly time to Standard Universe Time but they have always been vetoed by the United States. Proponents of the resolution were not surprised by the United States’ aggressive stance against Standard Universe Time. “The United States is the only country in the world that does not use the metric system of measurement. If we can’t even get Americans to weigh a turkey using kilograms, how can we possibly get them to switch over to a universal system of time?” asked Louise Frechette, Deputy Secretary-General of the United Nations.
Polls show that an overwhelming majority of Americans, about 89%, oppose the use of Standard Universe Time. Nancy Hill, head of Americans for the Democratic Way, argued against the resolution. “Americans don’t want to eat meter-long hot dogs at the baseball game or drink late-night milkshakes at diners that are open for 37 Standard Universe Time units a day,” cried Hill, ”That’s not the American way and even if every single non-American votes to change the time system, we still won’t change because, frankly, we just don’t want to.”
Not surprisingly, President Bush supports the view of majority America on this issue. “I am proud of the fact that our great American founding father, George Washington, invented the idea of time as we know it and I am not about to sacrifice that heritage just so I can know when M.A.S.H. reruns are on TV on Saturn,” yelled President Bush.
With or without Standard Universe Time, the new Iraqi voting system is said to go in effect by the end of August.