Washington D.C.: Today the Bush Administration began a fierce smear campaign against Sean Bush Jr., the eight year old nephew of President Bush. In a press conference, President Bush called his nephew a "lame wussy", arguing that in the real world "if you can’t handle playing with the big boys, then stay inside and engage in diplomatic discussions with your imaginary friends." The President then flung several dead rats and a string of live firecrackers into the press corp.
This aggressive attack comes after a recent interview with Barbara Walters in which Sean Bush Jr. stated that sometimes he got upset with the President because when they play catch, President Bush purposefully hits him “above-the-waist”. “Every time we start playing, I make sure to tell him to try and not hit me but then on his first throw, Uncle Bush will knock me in the head with the ball,” lamented Bush Jr. Just last month, Sean Bush Jr. had to be taken to the emergency room after playing with the President for a suspicious bloody nose.
The Bush Administration immediately went on the defensive. Condoleeza Rice was quick to challenge the boy‘s credibility. “We know for a fact that Sean Bush Jr. is a compulsive liar. Just yesterday, he told his mother that he cleaned his room when in fact he just deceivingly shoved everything under his bed,” claimed Rice, “In addition, sources close to Sean Bush Jr. say that the boy was upset with the President because the President can eat candy for breakfast and go to bed at anytime he wants to.”
Donald Rumsfeld also laid doubts as to how strongly Sean Bush Jr. emphasized the importance of playing below-the-waist. “Look, I was there at every game the President had with his nephew. I was right there with them, chucking the ball at that kid. If not hitting Sean in the head with the ball was so important to Sean, then how come the President and myself kept hitting him upside the head with the ball? Huh? Exactly.” Rumsfeld then pulled out the administration's "playing catch" strategic outline and briefed the press corp on how he plans to minimize cranial hits.
"But, of course," added the Secretary of Defense, "statistically speaking, accidents will happen."
Ads smearing the young Sean Bush Jr. are being aired on major networks in most of the swing states, including Florida, Ohio, and New Mexico. The ads show a young boy playing with dolls, baking cookies with his mother, and jumping rope with a group of little girls and then asks, “Would you trust a lame wussy over the President?”
Many political interest organizations have already begun protesting the ad, including groups advocating for women‘s rights. NOW representative Becky Lin argued that just because one engages in traditionally feminine activities of baking and rope jumping “does not mean that they are wussies who can’t take a few hits to the head.” “Women go through unbearable pain giving birth to children, “exclaimed Lin,” you mean to tell me that they are going to run off crying to Barbara Walters if they get smacked upside the head with a wiffle ball? Absolutely not and we resent the negative association.”
The latest charges against Sean Bush Jr. come at the end of a long line of aggressive smear campaigns conducted by the Bush Administration against supposed “loser geek posers” who are “jealous” of the President. Included in recent smear campaigns were President Bush’s former nanny, who claimed that the President's favorite food is not BBQ ribs but rather delicate New England lobster cakes in a rosemary cream sauce, and the teenage Bush’s Driver‘s Training instructor, who claimed that when he would ask the young Bush to make a right turn, he would turn left instead and snicker to himself.