President Bush's American Blog

May 10, 2004

Today, I am feeling EXCITED.

This morning, Karl stopped me in the men’s restroom and said, “Mr. President, I think you should write a blog, you know, for the people to read.”

Then, I said, “ Look, Karl, I’m from Texas and I’m the President. I aint gonna write any of those geeky sci-fi novels you and your chess club friends are always reading.” But then Karl explained to me, as he always does, that a blog is an Internet journal and not some girly fantasyland.

So, here I am, writing the first entry into my very own American blog.

American people (and other people), today I discovered something very amazing. At the bottom of my lunch bag, I found a great treat I have never tasted before- a chewy granola bar. Now, being from an older, more American generation, I am used to those hard crunchy granola bars and, let me tell ya, I never really enjoyed them that much. But these new chewy granola bars are really great. It had peanut butter and chocolate, which is my favorite combination. It wasn’t too sweet, but it wasn’t not sweet either. And the chewiness made it even more enjoyable. My question to the American people is this: How long have chewy granola bars been available to the public? How come I never knew about them?

May 11, 2004

Today, I am feeling CONFUSED.

So I guess this blog thing is not as easy as I thought. Karl said I need to write about issues other than granola bars, like the War on Terror, the prisoner abuse scandal, and etcetera. Things the American people want to hear about. This is what Karl says and America is a democracy. So, let’s give the people what they want.

#1. War on Terror: Well, I’ve been thinking about this one long and hard, believe you me. Long and hard. War on Terror. Let’s see here. . .it’s goin pretty good. What can I say about the War on Terror, really? What can anyone say about it except that it is a step in a direction. I wish someone would start a War on Terror against the White House kitchen staff- they keep givin’ me salads for lunch! Ha ha! But seriously folks, we are making great progress against terror of all forms, especially the maybe potentially possible type.

#2. Prisoner Abuse Scandal: Look, Donald Rumsfeld is not to blame here. Donald Rumsfeld is a fine man. A really great guy. He just had a BBQ for the staff last weekend at his house. He is a fine man who makes a fine batch of hickory smoked ribs. Did I mention that he pays taxes when his government asks him to? Yes, a great fine man. I mean, have you ever even been to a BBQ held by a terrorist? No, you probably haven't. You know why? Because terrorists don't have laid-back fun BBQs in their backyard. Terrorists don't know how to marinate a steak the right way. Terrorists don't have swimming pools with slides and diving boards. Terrorists don't even know how to swim. But Donald Rumsfeld is an excellent swimmer. He was a high school state champion in the 100 meter freestyle.

#3. Etcetera: I have heard a lot about this “etcetera.” My twin daughters told me that they had been offered some but of course, they didn't take them. They told me about how other kids would go to crazy rave parties and “drop e” as they say, meaning they’d take an etcetera pill. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, I do not support drug use of any kind. That is not something I believe in. Drug use can lead to brain damage, I've been told. Only cowards take drugs and since Americans aren’t cowards, only non-Americans take drugs.

May 12, 2004

Today, I am feeling CURIOUS.

In my free time between national security meetings, I’ve been doing research on granola bars (sorry Karl! I just had to know!). Granola bars are a really great American topic to study.

Did you know that granola is a satisfying combination of whole grains and oats held together with honey, molasses, or corn syrup?

Did you know that Stanley Mason, “American Master Inventor” to Fortune 500 companies, not only invented the granola bar, but also created the squeezable ketchup bottle, the heated pizza box, and the baby-shaped disposable diaper?

Did you know that the #1 most requested snack item by wounded American WW II soldiers in G.I. hospitals was granola?

Did you know that in the Middle East at anti-America rallies, cruel freedom-hating Islamic fundamentalists set fire to granola, throw it on the ground, and angrily stomp on it crying out “Death to America!”?

I guess it really isn't a coincidence that at this time in my life, with so many crises and difficulties in the world, the American snack of granola has been sent to me. It really makes you believe in a higher force. . .Alright, well, I got to get back to work. God Bless Ya’!